When you have been saturated in Charismatic circles as deeply as I have, there isn’t anything that seems weird after a while. In my opinion, fame and fortune has swept Christian ministries in the past 10 years giving the pursuit of a pulpit more Glory than the One who created the possibility for it. I used to be in that category of seeking a name for myself, but then I went through deliverance in a small town of Portal Georgia that has one blinking traffic light and all dirt roads.
Upon returning home from my deliverance weekend, a strange need arose in my soul that changed the course of my life from that moment forward; I longed for Daddy’s presence instead of a pulpit. I found myself walking into church and mourning the intentions of so many believers who were all competing for the attention of man. I grieved because I had been there but now struggled with a twinge of embarrassment, yet what I realized next would shake the foundation of my faith; the enemy shows up at church more than any other place causing Christians to compare themselves, judge themselves and promote agendas that Holy Spirit has nothing to do with. And so I left the church scene and walked away from building my own ministry. I decided that unless Daddy opens doors for me to minister, I wouldn’t pursue it.
That was back in September of 2013 and I’m just beginning to share about the deep places I have delved while closing myself off to religion. I understand religion and why so many pursue the common beliefs of others, so I’m not condemning anyone, but my disillusionment with it became the enlightenment that I was looking for in the first place.
When I think about Biblical patriarchs I see a resemblance in many pioneers who are ministering with anointing today. Joseph was betrayed by his own brothers and imprisoned, left alone to ask Daddy why he was given dreams that seemed to have died. The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years, questioning when they were ever going to see the Promised Land and stretching Moses’s faith the whole time. I wonder what his questions to Daddy were as he led a complaining generation that seemed to lack his type of fervor that brought him into the presence of God? I have read countless books about the miraculous eras that allowed Smith Wigglesworth, William Branham, Kathryn Kulhman, Bob Jones and currently, Reinhardt Bohnke, to deliver the message of love with signs and wonders. What I value about these patriarchs is their character behind their gifts which parallel what we read in scripture.
To know anointing is to have had to go through the darkest of hours alone and allow Daddy to be your only source of consoling even when lies tell you that He is the one bringing it.
I have questioned why I had the strength to overcome where some never do? Often, I stand before His throne as a daughter, searching answers to these questions, in His word. I put the blinders on after my deliverance and was able to interpret what the scriptures say according to the depth of my relationship with my creator. I had years of preaching to lay at his feet and forgive messengers who planted seeds of doubt in my heart because they embraced traditional religion. I chose to walk out my frustrations before an audience of one.
And now I am a matriarch to youth whom I did not raise, but am entrusted to protect from the insidious culture of performance and mandates of church that cause chasms between them and their Savior. And I am getting my voice back through the sharing of my story where I shed all pretenses of organized religion. After all it isn’t about me building a ministry, but loving those whom He sends to me.