Who I wanted all along

To pause and rest in God’s presence is much different than getting a good nights sleep, I should know because I have suffered with insomnia most of my life.  I take many breaks over the course of my day because I need refreshment from Daddy, especially when peace deprived.  It is slowing my pulse to the tempo of His heart, envisioning Him as my partner and confidant which helps me focus on He being my first true love.  He wipes my eyes of their tears over and over again, even when streams keep flowing.

He doesn’t tire of my talking to Him even if I complain, seek solutions, mourn loss and want to cast stones.  He patiently sits by my side and collects each tear that attaches an emotion to my story, a piece of pain that is too overwhelming for me to describe.  He is here in my midst.  He understands all the build up of memory that has created a reaction to my current circumstances.  He doesn’t judge me for my viewpoint for He has been through all the disappointment and mistakes with me.

Only He can distinguish the emotional entanglement that has my thoughts cross reference with moments of the past that have created themes I re-live, even when I don’t want to.  He is here with me, I sense feel and know He is, but my mind still races.  I am still mourning what I fought so hard for in my own strength, the relationships I clung to for comfort because I was afraid of being alone.  Nobody knows better than He about the years I have spent seeking, praying and waiting for a relationship founded on Him, cultivated behind the scenes in my prayer closet where I shut the world out.

Persuasion, striving, convincing analyzing and discussing my desires has still brought me back to this moment of sitting in His presence wanting more, believing that my hearts desire has yet to be fulfilled.  I take a deep breath and feel my pulse slowing yet again and I let my eyelids grow heavy, focusing on all we still have yet to do together. And the more I seek Him, the more I dream with Him, and I realize it is Him all along whom I wanted.

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