I already know he thinks women turn tricks because they want to re-enact some rap song.
I wanted to believe in him but his crappy van was supposed to be a blessing? How do you make excuses for a vehicle with obvious transmission issues, facial features that are flawed at best and no heat in the middle of winter? Was I missing something? Yes, I was missing that ability to cut off someone insane and never think about him again, but damn it, I wanted to know if I was the crazy one? Was I dealing with someone who was delusional? How could he state always, “being on a level of greatness and never having a bad day”? Why then did he dismiss every challenge as being the other persons problem? He never seemed capable of dealing with a simple question; running from eye contact and pointing his finger in my face while putting the smack down on my intrigue, just so he could claim to be the Alpha male.
He stands above most crowds due to his tall stature, yet he reaches the sky with all of his hot air and that cowboy hat he can’t leave the house without. His identity would be lost without his dirt covered sombrero because it elates his self-made reputation of being God’s gift to the universe. But the overwhelming case that strips him of his “false authority” is the presumed respect he gives people while in their presence; pastors, clients, employees all for the sake of branding his name. Because of his fantastical belief that he can help himself by selling his “product” for a profit to fulfill God’s destiny on his life, he justifies not being a Christian to maintaining a heavenly business. He can then walk away and cut all of God’s people down to size because of the authenticity they carry, an unspoken confidence that rubs him raw. I scratch my head and ponder why someone professing confidence, has to put down others so he can feel superior?
This comes no doubt, from the terrible childhood he lived but is unable to acknowledge; the reason he lectures and explains himself but cannot hear me if I ask a question. All I did one night was ask why he had to divert his attention to work and dismiss a perfectly good day? Yes, I turned on the light after he shut it off and turned his back to me for sleep, because I wanted to talk. Yes, I was onto his workaholism as a frail cover up for philandering. Yes, I demanded an answer for all of his phone use late into the hours of most nights, because if we were going to be a couple, I deserved to ask questions about our validity. Yet, he dismissed me so that he could get back to “working” his pawns interlaced with his entrepreneurial cover-up. His calling me combative and threatening to leave with a dramatic pack-up of his belongings while loading up his crappy van was a power move. He wanted to condition me to deal with vague responses and submit to his leading in order to be deemed worthy of his time. In the morning he stated, “aren’t you glad you didn’t make me leave”, and I caught my breath because I had been manipulated like this before.
I remember him bragging that afternoon that he “gets just enough information to chime into a conversation to make it believable”. We had spent Superbowl Sunday looking at vehicles for him to buy when he slipped and asked if I remembered our test drive of the Range Rover a few days beforehand. The sad but true reality is that every time he lied, I knew it. He would be speechless and murmur, “yea”, as I looked at his face in amazement that he had no empathy and that I wasn’t calling him out on his bullshit. Half of me was always shocked at his ability to never apologize for stringing two women along, but the other half of me wondered if I was just one of many “bitches and hoes”, that he talked to. His stories were always repetitive and he constantly asked me to re-tell mine, another place of shock in my soul each time he exhibited that I wasn’t worth remembering.
I had to look within and ask myself, what part of me keeps going back to this? Is it wanting to save him from himself? Yes. Is it wanting to bring out his soft side? Yes. Is it wanting his actions to follow through with devotion to me that he never has been able to accomplish? Yes. Is it wanting him to open his eyes when he talks and not leave awkwardly because he has de-tachment issues? Yes. But I already know he thinks women turn tricks because they want to re-enact some rap song. Instead of acknowledging the de-valuing of females he justifies rap from an artistic point of view but reprimands his employees for listening to it. That’s because he is superior in his own right. In his eyes he will always be superior. He is such a narcissist that he credits himself for dating a white girl even though he is racist. Somehow he believes I need his whit, which no doubt is a salary increase once I submissively oblige his two cents. In his mind I should be longing for his help. All the while he talks over me with hostility but tries to subdue the tension with positivity. He doesn’t fool me with that positive vibe crap, you can’t be that hateful and combative while acting like everything is alright.
I don’t know how much of this is my fault but my prayer is for spirit to lead me into truth because I have realized that he can not tell it. I get leary and worried that he is up to no-good and his ability to “act” reveals a deceptive congruence. To be all about his money while maintaining no accountability to anyone, I realize that I only know of the life he wants me to believe. It doesn’t even matter that I met his mama because he discounts her opinion and deems me just like her. It’s only a ploy for dominance when using certain lingo like “being in covenant” with me because he gives no value to family, just the reputation it can afford him. “Doing as I please”, is his true mantra and the only hint of intention that he really admonishes.
I know I need to remind myself of the truth, that these spiritual demons plague him and not me, but unfortunately, I have put up with these evil influences for three months too long. And thank the Lord Jesus it was only that long. I guess he’s using that episode of “turning on the light”, to be the straw that broke the camels back. And I guess I am too. Seems like the whole charade was getting too complicated for us to maintain.