Incapabilities

And in trying to avoid the unpleasant aspects of our lives we have missed out on the joys.  Developing an ability to see things as they really are and to find healthier, more appropriate ways of  dealing with the people and circumstances we encounter is not always easy or comfortable.  It’s not easy to come to grips with the fact that the people we have turned to for love and acknowledgment are incapable of giving it…..angism

I have become pessimistic, a victim of rejection and being pushed away, unaccepted, petty , fearful, angry, fault-finding, skeptical, hopeless and planning an exit strategy much like I did when feeling controlled by my very friends who were offering me a place to stay. I pulled back and became stingy with  my affection all the while starving for deep connection, just wanting to be chosen to spend time with instead of what I could provide.  This stinginess increased my impatience with self and especially their process, making demands upon their change and serving any more intimate conversation, ultimately making me ashamed of choosing that coping strategy.

What if  I just let go of others and let you sustain me Daddy?

Sustain my emotions?  Isn’t that what I have always said about myself, I’m so emotionally inept?  Could you place me on solid emotional ground so that I am more expectant of joy, kindness, peace and patience, with self-control in you?  Can you level out my emotions so that I am not expecting the worst, always criticizing others, remaining a victim of injustice?  Can you open my eyes to L AY Down coping as I have known it?

I don’t want to miss out on the joys of life bc I’m pushing out any attempts of love and intertwined failing.  Making that first cut to spare further pain and then regret of my decision hasn’t worked.  Can you change the course of direction?  Can you  inspire an awakening in me, a hunger for joy and hope instead of determining the grim reality and re-speaking it’s negativity into the atmosphere?  What if I expect you to do the impossible and that you can do it though me?  What if connection happens because I extend grace instead of self-preservation? Once I forgive others you show me the way to empathy where I am willing to love in spite of myself.  It’s almost surreal, to be able to walk alongside her curiosity in yu, and even hear others proclaim your mysteries.

Prayer:  Redirect my focus and once again help me to let go of the expectations I have on others.  I invite you to be my sustainor and truth, giver of life.

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