I think I get into a tizzy with myself so often because I make myself follow through on my word even though half the time I discovered that my committment was premature. There I said it, and that my friends wraps up my whole live in a nutshell, hence proving that I am non-committal as hell unless things go my way. They have a word for that and its title is Jezebel, but since I no longer respond to that spirit, my behavior needs to demonstrate that it is indeed gone. The trouble with getting used to my demonic stronghold, is that at times she seemed like my friend even though her intentions were always to be my foe. Nonetheless, my temper tantrums arise when I feel out of control and negated of my needs because of someone else’s rules or place of prominence. My mother taught me to simply walk away because ignoring individuals with the same drive as me, really sticks in their craw. Knowing this for the majority of my life, I have bailed on many part-time jobs, remedial tasks, promotions which require remedial extra responsibility and relationships that could potentially suck the life out of me, unless of course I can make them cooperate with my plan of betterment which is still controlling and angering. So in my quest for redemption I have tried multiple attempts to aiding others this year all to relinquish my rights just when the goal was on the horizon. I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from circumstances that sap my strength.
I will one day be heading up a podcast with my college roommate Annette, but until we smooth out the path to our inevitable fame, I am morphing my writing with radio broadcasts and snippets of my life just so I can brand my face. Who the hell knows if it will work, I have never done anything the normal way because being unconventional is my way; I taught myself how to roller skate but looked lopsided doing it, yet it worked for me. But in this big bad world where we have systems put in place because of demonic power that is carried by persons, all persons are subject to their demise unless of course delivered. If you do indeed want help with getting rid of your demons send me a message, but for all other intents and purposes our society functions in its brokenness because our spirits are led by either good or evil choices. When I was told ten years ago that I would be a foster-mother one day I agreed wholeheartedly with that declaration. However, I have had the grave misfortune of embarking upon courtroom etiquette as a court appointed special advocate for children who enter the foster care system, and what I have realized is that it is an extension of our broken educational system at best and an excuse to maintain entitlement for people who don’t even fight for themselves.
What I thought would allow me to be the protector of children has indeed shown its true colors to be a band-aid over a gunshot for families that had no business procreating in the first place. I’m sent in to prove that the incompetent parent has gotten off drugs or substances or boyfriend/girlfriend long enough that they can “get their kids back” before they return right back to their dysfunctional behavior of neglect or addiction. Indeed the courts and those affiliated with removing children from their home are the very ones coining that, “removal is traumatic”, so we as volunteers are distracted by a heightened warning to limit that situation. But I ask, “And staying with family in a sexual, violent or neglectful home is less traumatic how? Behaviors like that are learned and passed down from one generation to another, don’t tell me that just because mom or dad provides a MINIMAL Sufficient Level of Care that he or she suddenly stops blaming the child for ruining her life, or that her focus miraculously is centered on her child instead of her boyfriend. I was that child who was the scapegoat in my family, do you think just because my parents completed the mandated protocol for the courts, teachers, doctors and gossips of the town, that they found love in their heart for me? I was even more of a problem now because everyone was minding our business.
For me to sit through this training and hear the disdain toward foster parents from my teacher because “they are glorified babysitters” buying the parent time, “to prove he or she has a job, shelter and food and clothing for their kid”, was heart wrenching. That is grotesque at best, yet our flawed welfare, child and family services was developed to just be the bare minimum because most who need it will never rehabilitate their minds and gain healing from their own childhoods, they will make the government and community responsible to pick up where they handed off their parenting. I couldn’t disagree more with having to step in as a child advocate but be forced to overlook the body language, looks, dismissals, distractions and vulgarity that most parents slide right back into once claiming their kid back. I’d rather be satisfied that I have helped a little person gain normalcy, not possession from any parent who puts on a good face for the officials. Yes, it may be their version of normal but it should appropriately be defined as “lack of parenting” at best, and nothing that I would condone.
I however, must be one in a thousand who think this way because I learned that most “do-gooder’s” believe in the system. When I listen to the Southern Christian justifications of doing what Jesus would do, I couldn’t be more saddened. I pray and try to utilize a brain cell when making decisions that hopefully bring God glory, but spiritual matters are best left to the North West it seems. I was almost afraid to mention demonic forces during one of our training activities out of fear of seeming more aware of those who were instructing my class, but that’s what is was; reasoning with the law appointed demons. Someone always has to be right and at the end of the day, even in our mock scenarios, it was never the children. They are at the mercy of a case worker, the judge and the incompetency of their care takers, all of whom have lost their childlike intuition because of witnessing cases like the ones we are defending.
I know so many social workers and lawyers who have grown hopeless over the sheer negligence in our court systems that they succumb to the check-off list in family files because fighting city hall simply isn’t going to happen. I spoke of this in my class and was quickly reprimanded for not “feeling sorry for the parents”. I don’t. I don’t have any problems admitting that either. They came first, nobody asked them to pop out babies and then neglect or hurt them, they should be responsible for their actions like the rest of the world. If we admitted the truth, we would suspend parental rights from anyone who didn’t first love and accept that their offspring is her or his responsibility, but that offends people and creates this Christianise talk about doing the right thing, which is really snuffing the spirit out of our children. A parent can jump through all the hoola hoops on paper and still pop a xanax here and there, let the boyfriend stay with the kids, drive on a suspended licence and lets not forget lie about everything in the routine of life, but that’s ok because family is first.
Let me tell ya about family being first. They should be the first to hold you and comfort you after you were properly planned for, wanted and nourished in the womb. They should be the unit where love and acceptance is first provided during your first three years of life in order for you to attach to others and gain empathy. They should orchestrate peace, speak tenderly to the infant and encourage developmentally progressive stages in the formative years. Under Gods design the family should be a prayer covering to their newest addition and a responsibility that brings empowerment through challenges. Education becomes an addition to cognitive development instead of replacement for morales, faith and values because those attributes most loving parents long to instill. This of course is fictisious in our current state of legislation that has removed this mantle of parenting from our homes and placed it on with the government, but thankfully we know whose shoulders it all rests upon.
Mentioning these things as Jesus’ advocate, I found myself under scrutiny because the goal of so many who sign up for children’s rights, ultimately want to feel good about themselves, have a burning desire to redeem their own childhoods or basically like bragging rights. We aren’t taught about the sneaky things that parents do like get all their ducks in a row, keep up appearances, compete with the Joneses but do just enough hitting before bruises appear. In my personal example of such an account, the room went quiet enough to hear a pin drop. We didn’t discuss the seven things that are highly disruptive to all developing children like; 1.death of a parent, 2. parents divorce, 3. parent is in jail, 4. death of a family member, sibling, 5. sexual abuse, 6. domestic violence, 7. parental mental or physical illness, because that is too much to actually address. Therefore the goal of being an advocate isn’t to uphold the standards of Christ, but of man, so pointing out the truth seems just as prophetic as God being banned from schools. Some of our poorest neighborhoods have schools designed after our prisons, but the system doesn’t have an agenda? Yet I am volunteering with the courts that extend childhood welfare services because overall we live in a depraved time where few recognize the spiritual battle that is before us. I don’t know if it helps or hurts me knowing that I am a role model for an innocent victim of his or her circumstances, but I do believe that we will both be better off knowing that someone came forward to stand in the gap for the fatherless and motherless of the system at large.