That plan failed miserably. The moment he parked his car we walked toward each other and he kissed me, grabbing my waist and pulling me seductively in. I loved it. The rush, the intent, the feel of someone choosing to get that close when I had been pushing people away successfully for over a year.
Don’t go there, don’t go into re-thinking what you did or could have done differently. Don’t replay the day, don’t replay the dialogue, don’t label yourself as anything. Breathe, stare off into space as you sit if you must, but don’t listen to the questioning thoughts that are old and familiar. Did he lose interest that fast? Did I look ugly to him without my make-up on? Did he really play me? How could I have denied the obvious, that he put in the effort for a hook up and stopped as soon as he got it. It wasn’t even a date so in reality it was a blatant plan to do the bare minimum for the optimal prize, how could I have been so stupid? Thank God I didn’t sleep with him because that would mean I would be back to my old desperate self.
The week of getting to know him was sensational. I thought about working with a good-looking guy who was seemingly single as I got dressed for my shift. I knew better than to trust a “player”, the type who is introduced to you but then labeled appropriately of this character trait from all of his co-workers as he walks away. I could feel the alluring appeal he emanated from across the room, so I literally blocked out all interest because I was warned of the danger in getting involved. Yet somehow his personal attention in group conversations after working hours and smiles made me feel special, illuminated by a spotlight that he had shown on me. I wanted a moment with him alone, just to see if he had any redeeming qualities that would prove depth, sincerity or honesty. After a moment of kissing late into the night before I drove out of the employee parking lot, I had completely forgotten about all precautions of liking a “lady’s man”, much less one who wasn’t a Christian.
So here I was, feeling like a teenager awaiting his arrival to my place so we could lay out by the pool and get to know each other better. I knew that my sucking his face days before didn’t completely support a plutonic visit, but I was hoping to set the stage for development of mental stimulation absent of physical expectation. I had already explained that texting sexual innuendos had caused me embarrassment that I awkwardly couldn’t reciprocate especially when our public conversations had shown me his boyish and respectable side. The inner conflict over seeing two opposing character traits in him lined up with all the descriptions of someone intentionally covering his true intentions through text, with friendship as a facade face-to-face. I didn’t want to succumb to his good looks or storytelling and wind up having sex with him when walking down that road previous years before had predictably left me shamed and disappointed in myself. I was prayed up and purposeful on maintaining boundaries and diverting any attraction so I could avoid being deceived.
That plan failed miserably. The moment he parked his car we walked toward each other and he kissed me, grabbing my waist and pulling me seductively in. I loved it. The rush, the intent, the feel of someone choosing to get that close when I had been pushing people away successfully for over a year. For some reason this guy, I wanted to let in, this one I was curious about. I hadn’t felt the touch of a man for over 13 months and the last who did waited a long time for permission. It wasn’t like I needed his attention like most of the dudes I had entertained in the past, but I liked it, and I had a sneaky suspicion it was of limited duration and that the clock was ticking. The conversation was great as we sat in the sun. He was even more adorable than I had imagined and interestingly we had many similarities despite our 14 year age difference. When I realized however that our topic of conversation was circling around our disillusionment with religion I had a sinking feeling that my beliefs were being misunderstood. Although I am a Christian, I have an aversion to organized structure of faith and continuously find myself fitting in better with non-believers, except when they are of the opposite sex. It is here that I seem accepting of another’s freewill, but deep down inside know that a relationship could never develop if he was opposed to living a spiritual life through Christ.
Hence, the reality check I kept having with myself each time my non-committment to church life suggested that I was accepting of common worldly views. The weird thing is that with any other guy I probably would have been more corrective if my spirituality seemed lax, I may have even sought a teachable moment about God, but with this guy, I just clammed up. I wanted to maintain that feeling of him wanting me because I was discerning that his true motive was indeed to see how far he could get physically. Each time we went into the clubhouse it turned into a passionate kissing fest that retreated me back to high school days when a teacher would come around the corner and break it up. We migrated back to my place and kept up with sharing past relationship experiences playing a couples card game. Then he planted one on me. And I liked it, I liked it a lot. He is not the average kisser, he is quite intentional. My air conditioner was set at 78 degrees but it felt like an inferno with all of our body heat filling the air. We didn’t have to have sex because the chemistry was intense, I’m almost blushing thinking back on it.
We simmered down and were starving since we negated to eat all day; I’m only assuming when I asked him if he was hungry at 6pm his appetite was focused in a different direction. The nine o clock hour was upon us and the room was full of un-spokens. It felt like a flip had been switched, and he wasn’t “feeling it” anymore. In awkward silence we searched the internet for a place to pick up food and he lost all engagement. Then my mind flashed back to other rendezvous that this one reminded me of, and every time the same cycle played out; the idea of our physical intimacy coming before a spiritual one weighed heavy on our ability to return to flirtatious constant chatter we shared while laying out at the pool. He couldn’t even make eye contact with me and I suddenly had thoughts that he thought I was ugly, had bad breath or was actually the user and I wanted to deny he was.
I wanted to go psychological and ask him what was wrong as he suddenly acted like I had the plague. It was so obvious that he was keeping his distance during what seemed like eternity in line at the restaurant. I was damn near shocked when he paid for our food because his body language was reading, “the first and last time this happens”. At this point I am suspect that he really wants to tuck tail and run instead of doing the obligatory “finish this out” and I am baffled at this point. Interestingly we get back to my place and he played a movie called “The Sunset Limited” because he believed it would be thought-provoking. And that it was, and in fact it was about dialogue between two people discussing salvation, Jesus and the Bible. After quickly asking my opinion of the film, he mentioned that the darkest point of the movie was his favorite. I’m thinking, not only does he question the things I believe, he sides with every argument that I disagree with. Still, with few words, he pulls up another rendition of what he believes taps into human fantasy with a HBO original of gore to the highest extent coupled with a plethora of nude scenes and sexual liaisons. The disappointment in knowing that he was really just a pretty face, gave way to my shock of how un-relatable we were outside of a friends with benefits arrangement. He was wearing the label F#ckboy well.
I’m trying not to bust out laughing at this point because clearly the devil was trying to rear his ugly head and throw any hopes I had of this guy being on the same page as me back in my face. Point taken. This was a wash. I loathe sensual perversion and invitations to lust especially if a man doesn’t know to limit it for the benefit of relating to females. But here I had the writing on the wall, this entrtainment was something he was used to and liked while it completely insulted me and drew a spiritual line in the sand. So unfortunately, but fortunately, the Lord was revealing common beliefs of the world that I disagree with that also kept me from sleeping with this dude. Had he kept kissing me and acting like he wanted to be in my presence after we were hot and heavy, I would probably still hold false hope of seeing a datable side to this guy. But I can never return to the ways in which I have been delivered. What might have been deniable last year simply cannot be swept under the rug anymore because I acknowledge that shallow hook ups, do indeed suck.
We went to bed and it was like two married people in the crux of child rearing who had no energy for involvement of any kind. I woke numerous times because of his snoring and was amazed at how close to the edge on his side of the bed that he was. Yet, this was a surreal experience, a feeling of awareness that I had never considered. I admitted to myself that someones embrace felt good, that the longing to be loved still exists within me and that I don’t have to build a wall around my heart to protect me from temptation. This guy is perfect for a girl who is looking for a good time without depth, but I’m not her. I laid there and asked Daddy God to forgive me and thanked Him for showing me how far I have come. I sought His help to let go of lies that say touch wasn’t important or that protecting our senses was no longer possible in the day and age we live in. I admitted placing value on mans approval of my looks and behavior and surrendered any hope of pleasing another who doesn’t value my body or time.
I awoke and happily escorted the stranger in my bed toward to the door, almost silently I may add. I knew going in that he wasn’t one to settle down but I secretly hoped to engage his attention long enough through fun conversation that maybe my faith wouldn’t have been so deafening. Hell, maybe we could have been a fling just for the summer if I placed my heart on a shelf. Truth be known, I’m really just hoping to re-capture a memory I once lived. I evangelistically dated my first boyfriend and he got saved while we were together, but I was unconvinced of his true conversion so I broke up with him. He is a strong believer today pastoring a church and I have never found a man as Godly since. I waited to have sex with both my ex-husband (until marriage) and the guy who left me heart-broken just over a year ago. Maybe holding out for abstinence is what pushes guys away or maybe I’m just entertaining non-committal users from the get. Either way, the difference in this experience is that I did more exploring while falling into temptation than I have ever done before. I learned that I like touch and don’t have to be afraid of it getting me into sexual trouble. We followed a surge of feelings that we both knew were fleeting and I walked away knowing the short time I had in his arms revealed just how strong my faith is to keep waiting for true intimacy. This was the beginning of my ending relationships that weren’t meant for me in the first place.