If I told my story about feeling motherless to a person who was adopted, I could describe the similarities of orphan-hood easily. The Lord has revealed to me that those of us who were unwanted by our earthly parents have grown up with that same feeling of abandonment that orphans have.
My focus of communicating the needs of children who sense a disconnection with their own parents is to bridge the gap between over-stressed adults and their children. Conception can create a lot of stress for a mother especially if pregnancy feels like a result of her poor judgment. This very thought process produces anxiety, a surge of adrenaline and cortisol that have a direct effect on her womb. Should her own personal relationship with the father be stressed, fear can allow further negative emotions to misguide her choices which directly influence the embryo inside of her.
I may have grown up with my own parents, but I felt just as motherless as a child orphaned by hers. Because we are spiritual beings we can sense, feel or know spiritual matters that we may lack vocabulary for when we are little children. Yet, we comprehend gestures, looks and separation from another human without them having to say a word.This innate ability for babies to feel while in the womb gives entry way for rejection while being carried, and then manifests in self-accusation and negative perception after birth. The disconnect begins with the emotional shunning from the parent(s).Therefore after birth, a pattern of unspoken expectation will evolve between the baby and its care takers during the first five formative years which provoke emotions that define an orphan spirit by its symptomatic behaviors.
I am no longer ashamed of my mother not wanting me because it points toward the depravity of human kind and the strength of God to overcome it by his adoption in the blood. My mother doesn’t talk to me and blames me for her problems because she is a hurting individual, unwanted in the womb of my grandmother. Where my mother claimed she planned my sisters and I, she still wanted a boy that she never got with each pregnancy. My grandmother on the other hand told my mother that she and her siblings were a mistake. Both my mother and grandmother blamed their own children for creating chaos in their lives and neither could take responsibility for their own projected pain. In the same breath my mom could call me, “a stupid, un-grateful brat”, but shame me with the statement, “blood is thicker than water”, if I mentioned feeling loved by a friends parent. Once I grew up and took initiative for stabilizing my identity in Jesus, she took that as my double-crossing her, fully unable to access remorse for the passing of rejection from her to me like she experienced from her mom. I explained to my family that Jesus’ blood is thicker than water and that I belong to the family of Christ which trumps all rejection from man, even my own family.
Through my own inner healing work and continuing to pursue counseling in ways that I can reach the motherless and fatherless, I discovered that my own dyslexia and challenges with cognitive thinking and processing comes from the deep passing of anxiety that transferred down my family line. I know it sounds crazy but dealing with so many kids who have been diagnosed with a learning disability or some sort of ADHD or dyslexic diagnosis has caused me to ask myself why I want to hold onto that prognosis? I have renounced my condition every time it tries to remind me of the familiar lies that “I’m stupid, bad, ungrateful or in the way” because it surges my stress hormones to confuse me cognitively. I pray for the worth and acceptance of my Father in Heaven to fill the gaps of my thinking so that I can function as his blood bought daughter without shame, guilt and fear, the emotions that grip my thoughts with familiar rejection. As I have done this, sometimes 50 times per day, the stronghold has diffused and been replaced with declarations of a sound mind. The intentional practice to release my condition into Daddy’s hands, aligns my thoughts and emotions with clarity. None of us can make decisions with added pressure especially when labeling ourselves negatively as motivation. We do not lack anything from the Kingdom of heaven, especially a concerned Father. He would never identify us through our disorder if it came as a result of the curse. It is His job to lift our head toward the possibilities of His overcoming strength to define our limitations.
I don’t know if this makes any sense to you but much of the learning disabilities I have suffered and witnessed appear in those of us who have a connection generationally to someone not having time or love to invest in our spiritual and cognitive growth, making many of us deemed “disorderly” when it really is a back log of neglect. Wether our parents were together or not when we were born, if one of them had doubts about wanting us, that “one” unknowingly passed the spiritual heaviness of the orphan spirit. Those feelings of rejection and “something is wrong with me” create mind sets of defeat that get re-enforced in educational circles because we cannot perform in the same ways or time frame as other individuals. I feel an emotional teaching perspective would greatly change that if we as Christians broke soul ties with orphan attachment through our genealogical ties. We could offer grace to the agitated father who believed his son was a “problem child” since birth and help him recognize that his own insecurities about parenting, negatively persuaded how he parented. The parent comes first and if he/she focuses on what the child is not, the result will be a disconnected relationship that builds upon the foundation of misguided judgment. It is not the fault of the child for being born. When parents repent and recognize their projected hostilities have defined their children wrongfully, redemption is possible and prayer can retroactively reverse the damage. It is possible to speak to the date of conception or moment in time when they passed judgment on their child, and witness a turn around in perspective from the entire family because Holy Spirit healed them emotionally.
The Lord longs to awaken our spirits and see the value of our formation in our mothers womb for His call and purpose.