I appreciate your inquiry about my life’s decisions, but your observations and conclusions couldn’t possibly know the reason why I do anything. I had a teacher run into me 15 years after high school and state that he thought I “would have wound up dead in a gutter somewhere.” That hurt my feelings a bit, but it’s par for the course. I was severely dissociated after living through abuse which was only a symptom of being unwanted in the womb.
When you are being formed in the belly of a mother who doesn’t want you, that can play many mean tricks on your identity. For some, all it takes is the father to walk away once he learns he made a baby. Either way, rejection and unwantedness is made apparent to any child the moment he or she was first conceived. Yet it is un-definable during the formative years, until feelings of sadness or melancholy shape the personality of an unworthy spirit. That was the assignment of the enemy at my first breath. My heart stopped after birth, another attempt to snuff out the peculiar person I would become that would lead many to Christ. You see, I know I was marked for greatness because my entire life on earth has been a fight for it. Guarding the anointing means looking like a fool to spectators who long to see me fail, being kind to the very ones who laugh at me. And that my friend, is hard to explain to unbelievers and even harder to those who only believe in their religion.
I know that me being me, piques curiosity in many who don’t know me well. I seem strange, overwhelming, passionate and in too many cases to count, a little bit “off”. Some may even walk away scratching their heads, wondering how I have maintained life as I know it up until now. But that would be my problem, not theirs. And I’m the first to admit that I have many. Why should I act like everything is ok when it isn’t? I believe I just express what other people don’t speak, and I actually try to censor it. I cry everyday and laugh more because of it. If others want to write me off as having too many problems, so be it, because nobody knows how hard I have fought for my inner healing. Pastors, therapist, professors and Doctors have all attributed my sanity to a incomprehensible ability to overcome, and many of them don’t understand why I would have wanted to.
My specialty is loving those that the world discards, those unwanted by someone. Because of my ability to see who Daddy intended a person to be, and by the circumstances of which I have overcome, I can understand why some are vile, hateful, abusive and corrupt. In reality, we all can go there but some have strengthened parts of themselves to withstand compromise, that too can create humility or pride. I have a thick armor of truth that protects me from morphing with the world that even my own friends misunderstand. I will allow my life to play out before others because I am not ashamed of where I have been or what I have done. In fact, those whom recognize my transparency often come and receive prayer. I don’t do it, I trust Daddy brings them. Honesty grants me the capability to love from a place where I have forgiven much. All of my care takers as a child hurt me. But through my hunger for truth as to why, I found myself forgiving them and changing. I would never want another person to emotionally shake and succumb to lies like I had.
I have gone into gay clubs, strip clubs and bars for years teaching youth how to pray for others so yes, I def feel Daddy opened the doors to cocktail waitress even though religious onlookers disagree. What is so sad is the arrogance of the “upper class” I have met who are just as spiritually ignorant and arrogant, believing church and money makes them better. I find my “professional” workplace to be far worse than the broken souls of the youngsters I waitress with who have been spiritually abused by church goers.
I don’t take any meds. I realize your concern for my needing them is meant to be loving, but again, you have had 6 conversations with me where Daddy talks to me all day and night. He promised to heal me if I laid down my dependence on pills. I flushed every pill down the toilet and felt elated by it. I have been prescription free for 5 years and half of my ailments have left. Since I know of two concussions that impacted my health, I do indeed need God to do the miraculous for my emotional balance because those physiological responses are very hard for doctors to diagnose. I know my search for wholeness had me pursue ministry in counseling and psychosomatic illness which is why I don’t take offense when you suggest I seek greater help. Thank you, I am, from my Creator. I love you for listening and wanting me to live a peaceful life, but in my book, this a hell of a lot better than it used to be. I still request to go home to the Lord most nights but that’s me just keeping it real. I have lived a full life and Holy Spirit comforts me through disillusionment so that I change for Him, but yes, I still want my prize of heaven to come quickly, and that really isn’t so strange.