Why is it that so many of us are looking for a mate to complete us, fix us, enhance our lives or define us? I have to admit, I was needy for a time and settled for a warm body beside me because I thought I could bring out the best in him. But, he didn’t know what he wanted in life, so I lost myself in the process of trying to guide him. I compromised my convictions because I craved his attention and mistook affection for love. He was allowing me to make decisions for the both of us because he wanted some of that adventure that I had and I longed to be held in return. Yet, being held often gave mixed signals because guys either use touch and sex to show love or just use it for self-gratification without emotional connection at all. I define both motives as the same thing, lust, but what do I know, I’m only a chic who thinks deeply on everything and winds up falling for the bad boy..
So in this video clip I use my own experiences of failing miserably in relationships to offer an anecdote to others with similar relationship issues. I for one, would have been completely content with cuddling all the days long and left it at that, but it confused my x-boyfriend and made him feel rejected if I didn’t go all the way. Now I can’t heal anyone’s rejection issues from childhood, but I damn near died trying to with this guy each time I gave into sex to appease him. Of course I wanted him to feel loved, I loved so much about him, but I still carried residual fear about losing someone if you dumb your connection down to sexual chemistry.
And here comes the point, if either person brings ideologies, experiences and expectations to a relationship, communication better be the strongest attribute the two of you have together. Ain’t no amount of sex or pleasure that is going to get you through tough times if you can’t even speak a word to each other during daily routines, much less turbulent circumstances. Sex is the sign on bonus, the glue that sticks your lover to you through thick and thin, til death do you part. At least that was my hope anyway, and the intention of waiting for marriage to do the deed, even though we started out hot and heavy. Unfortunately, once you’ve tasted of the goods, it is hard to go back to abstinence, but I did appreciate his chivalrous attempt to do so. Bottom line however, is that if true love exists between a couple, than sex is obsolete to defining your passion for one another and if after marriage you find out the act sucks, open communication and sacrifice sprinkled with a little coaching can bring up your intimacy level to a standard few will ever attain.
So get some counseling and gain some self-control for the love of God, and stop believing lies that attraction is all there is to meeting someone. Eventually you will have to start loving that someone. It would be nice to start with yourself. That means offer yourself the same kindness and concern you would a friend. Once you get the cray cray from your past out in the open, you won’t need someone else to understand you, read a book that describes you or pay you attention that is fleeting anyway. You may be able to shut down your on-line dating app and spend time alone, liking your own company.
I won’t even get into the distractions that we can set up instead of getting to know ourselves; activities like relationship hopping, shopping, eating, drinking, video gaming, flirting, gambling or the hundreds of other things we do to cope when feeling unloved. None of it works and neither does spending time with someone who isn’t going to be The One. Raise the bar high and make a list of what attributes you want in a loving relationship, not what he or she will look like or what tax bracket they are in. Change your mind as soon as you realize that commonalities are hard to stand on and being with the person for the long haul won’t cut it. Or if you want to be a filanderer just say so, as long as you communicate the type of connection you want, you could find someone with the same drive.
Keep your eyes open and observe if they are the same person with you as they are with others. If he acts different behind closed doors than accept that part of him will be “unknown” and lie to yourself about him seeming mysterious if you must. If he is searching for arm candy and has limited time to spend with you, accept that you will be lonely in a relationship half the time. But if you long for deep connection, you may want to ditch the mindset that he or she is attractive because of differences. Chances are, if your mate hasn’t done the necessary inner healing work to talk deeply with you about sex, God and goals, then he might stray from commitment if others have similar beliefs that he can connect with. That old adage, great minds think alike, has some insight to offer. An atheist and a Christian might hit it off the first few dates, but those opposing views sure can wear down the attraction after the sex faze has simmered down. It’s all about connection and connecting with someone who has identified who he or she is long before you come around.