I have always joked that I am my own worst enemy. I hear a lot of people chime in with agreement of that statement, especially if they are able to get in touch with their emotions. I’m certain that those who have spent years of dissociating, have foundational reasons for covering up their feelings, it just sucks if you long for them to connect with other humans. I did both for most of my life, dissociate and then interrogate. My childhood produced in me a need to numb out and by the time I was an adult, the enemy of my soul had me convinced that emotions would take me out. I believed lies about my worth based on abandonment issues that told me, “everyone eventually leaves”. So it became easier not to feel and let others make decisions for me because I couldn’t trust myself.
Then I took my relationship with Jesus and tried to apply it to my core beliefs, the places where I was most lonely and terrified of putting the pieces of my puzzled life back together. I slowly figured out that He wanted to get to know me and help me better understand myself. The dissociation stopped working and I began to live life through childlike eyes that had been dimmed by grown-up responsibilities and calming everyone else’s chaos. Then the eruption of feelings percolated to the top of my throat as I realized that my closest relationships were at arms length. I had mastered survival so well that I settled for companions who were just as emotionally stagnant as I once was.
Then I took my pain and confusion over loving someone so deeply, to the throne room of heaven for answers. It turned out that most of us who want to be loved, really protect ourselves from the possibility of being left behind, so we regress into childlike coping behaviors instead of exploring growth. Maybe we were jipped of a loving home, maybe we were abandoned, but we don’t have to lose ourselves for the sake of finding love anymore. I don’t need to pursue a person who is not ready to engage emotionally because I run the risk of losing sight of my dreams to pick up his. I don’t need to dissociate because the curiosity of my future offers me a childhood to be re-lived. I can see myself through Daddy’s eyes at least one moment each day when I pause to sit in His presence and stop the thoughts of anxiousness. I am no longer that abandoned little girl who wants everyone else to help her decide which relationships to invest in. I have a Savior who is loyal and mentally stable, powerful enough to be my anchor in times of fear. I can trust Christ with all of my heart matters because He is the Only One who will never leave me. I am not abandoned any more. I am on my way to being my own best advocate instead of my worst enemy.