I want to love to the best of my ability, to choose to stay in the present so I’m not so focused on my future escape plan from relationships that frustrate me. I don’t know where my next destination is but focusing on the things I hate about my current circumstances is stealing my peace for today. I want to look at myself for a moment instead of blame the people I’m surrounded by at work and home. I tire every time I extend myself to someone else’s healing instead of mine. Why am I bingeing, drinking, criticizing, complaining, blaming and escaping mentally? How have I become so disappointed?
In the silence of my heart I have come to You Daddy countless times, pleading for a reprieve from the hazing that continues at both work places. I had expectations that died miserably. I thought if I did everything they said, I would receive the reward of fairness, recognition and a shot at the positions I am qualified for. Yet, my prayers seem to have never made it to your courts for the more I pressed in, the further you felt from me. This is a case of what you didn’t do. Even with all of my efforts, knowing my frustrations, you still did not change my circumstances. I am angry over You not giving me the reward I expected.
And all along I have doubted my relationship with the man I chose to pursue, keeping myself hyper-vigilant because I expected You to take him away from me. I had grasped so tightly onto something I wanted because I believed You were a harsh God, only appeasing me until I got sick of striving. Without the faith to build up my own walk, I became fearful of His, strangling the life out of God-inspired moments just to demand they repeat themselves. I missed out on the reward of love in the everyday because I was convinced faith would manifest in our relating to You, in the same ways. I have always been motivated from a place of working really hard to be on my best behavior in order to receive a blessing. Deep down, I am angry at You for not granting me a relationship that I expected , and that has reiterated the lies that You are withholding love from me.
I believe that I am responsible for others rejection of You if I am a bad witness, and this religious garbage has placed me in position of teacher over people I care for in hopes that their need of me will secure our relationship. If I play God than we are destined to work, they will want what I have, until I screw up and have to start all over again. After all, If I don’t have anything they want, I get blamed for my imperfections and become the excuse they need to not try on their own. I’m tired of being on my best behavior, let someone else do it. All of my caution and control has disrupted the timing of my character growth and placed a wedge between those closest to me. I am frustrated with the world as I have known it, using me until someone more compliant comes along. My need for approval, the reward of love, comes from the void in my heart that says I have to earn it and make myself useful. Never have I had a chance to be me without the concern of how I will be received. This same expectation has colored all my experiences and masked my efforts of momentary peace to be proof of Your blessing. I am angry at myself for not trusting that You are a good Daddy who wants to me to experience love.
I am so ashamed, so wasted and exhausted. I simply admit that I do not know how to love others, much less myself. I don’t want to keep reminding myself of all that my life lacks in hopes to keep motivating me forward. Two negatives don’t add up to a positive just as a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. I am broken.
I am so sorry Daddy for seeing you as a taskmaster and One who withholds good things from your children until we deserve it. I need you to do heart surgery, I need to lay down my expectations of self, others and you and I want to believe again. I want to love from a place of knowing I am loved by You. I don’t want to be angry at You for the things I believed you “didn’t do.”