In my need for organization, structure and chronological information, ie: control, I procrastinated in sharing very deep moments in Daddy’s presence. With my new-found hope I am going to turn the writing over to the testimony of our Lord. I am neither bragging nor boasting, but cannot keep buried the gratefulness that is welling up inside of me.
I have had simple yet profound statements made to me like, “your abuse will just be part of your past, not something that you make reference too or define yourself from.” That one statement rocked me. I frowned, and paused and went deep into my soul the following moments that the words surrounded me in the atmosphere. How could that be? I have launched a non-profit out of my abusive past, counseled others, empathized with women in loveless marriages, ministered to strippers and longed for an orphanage all from the basis of being defined as an overcoming abuse victim. I saw life through abuse filtered glasses even though I felt like I had overcome my past. I therefore saw the world’s problem being abuse and believed all other problems stemmed from an abusive form in one way or another.
The summer of 2012 at ministry school, I wore the pain of my abuse on my sleeve and thought that my strong surge of justice pumping through my veins meant that I had nailed my pain to the cross and was well on my way to reforming other victims. Yet, people around me still knew that my motivation for ministry was founded in pain. It wasn’t until my prophetic deliverance in Sept.2012 that the lies attached to my identity became dismantled and I felt like the scales had fallen from my eyes. My pursuit of wholeness has landed me just 17 minutes outside of the remote Georgia town where my freedom began and coincidently my new address is on Grady Street, the same name of the street where Bear Creek ministered in the neighboring town. That deliverance in the fall, brought people into my life that have cultivated an atmosphere of growth just by letting me be my normal emotional self. Through statements like the one above, I understand why the drive I had just one year ago was through suffering. In sitting under the weight of God’s glory, I was unctioned to hand over that false identity and ask for an exchange.
In the weeks following I became even more disgruntled with my life and the people I was letting into it. Things weren’t making sense anymore, especially since I had asked Daddy to give me a new slate on which to build my life upon, my identity. I was getting pissed off at every situation that involved someone trying to direct my life or speaking into it. I didn’t like being angry but I hated the heaviness of others believing they saw something in me that I couldn’t see. In fact, this had bothered me my whole Christian walk and squashed the move of the Holy Spirit in my life often, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I didn’t have a name for what was happening to me, I just knew that accepting what others were saying about what I needed to do with myself felt like injustice. It always had, but I believed that certain people were superior because of their church position or gifting’s and that somehow I couldn’t trust myself.
If I had gained new insight from my experience with deliverance, how could I appropriate the truths that we are all equal and in service to each other, not having to operate like a religious system? If after all, I have found freedom from the ways of the church but start a different form of church believing I still don’t have what it takes to co-labor with other Christians, then I will continue to feel less than. I needed my escape from church to be what it claimed it would be, an encouraging atmosphere where striving dies and learning to hear Daddy’s still, small voice directly, trumps the persuasion from man.
As weeks past leading up to yesterday, I argued with Daddy about this sense of injustice I had boiling up like a volcano within me. Pieces of the puzzle that I thought were supposed to fit together were not congealing with my heart, motives, or peace. My talk moved from being an abuse victim, which was good, to being frustrated with others who wanted me to stay down in order for them to feel useful and needed. There became a distinct difference between those at house church who loved me and encouraged me to look within, from those who urged me to change my behavior because I was too emotional. I started to observe the temperaments of individuals that I wanted to emulate and it became evident that their love was tangible and offered me hope.
As I pondered all the influential people in my life over the past year I focused on how my life became better when they coached me instead of counseled me. I replayed conversations with the ministry leaders at Bear Creek and realized that they never offered advice, but had me seek my own resolution, and brought out my best qualities so I would want Daddy’s will instead of my own. They did not prostitute prophecy and tell me what God what showing them concerning my problems. Much like the select few at house church, they didn’t want me to heed their counsel, they wanted me to seek the Lord and trust that I hear His voice.
Later that night, I dreamt I was renovating and cleaning a run-down townhouse in preparation for helping people who had emotional struggles. A heavy-set man had to roll on his side in order to round the banister at the top of the staircase. He had diseased skin and greasy hair and I knew the conditions were spiritual. I was so overcome with heaviness for this man that I shut the door to pray. I was sitting on the toilet and realized the water was rising around my feet and approaching my ankles, then moving further upward toward my knees. I was so excited because I knew it was Holy Spirit offering me hope and cleansing me from the heaviness. (This revelation was inside the dream) Next I heard a rap on the door and my mother came in. Before I could get the exciting news about God showing up she looked at the water and gave me an explanation for it. She asked if my legs were tingling and I was confused. I responded, “sort of?” But I knew it wasn’t bad. She was insinuating something bad in her tone and demeanor which snuffed out my confidence. She continued, “It’s probably the chemicals causing a reaction, you better get out of here”. I walked out of the bathroom but really wanted to stay because I was getting filled by the Holy Spirit in there. I needed what He was giving me before I stepped back into the heaviness outside that bathroom door. I walked into the hallway and was ticked at myself for listening to someone IN AUTHORITY instead of myself. The experience was stolen; I second guessed what I knew about it being a God-thing. Then I woke up.
Here’s the deal, that dream gave me revelation as to why I have become disgruntled with where I am at in life. Being between two cities that can speak life into my spirit really is a blessing because I am sandwiched between love and hope. Yet, in my hometown Daddy is allowing me to make decisions for myself concerning what He has for me. I meet with Him extensively in my writing room where we come up with a game plan. If I let others speak over my life from a stance of, “thus saith the Lord”, I am returning to a yoke of slavery. The very freedom to live by the leading of the Holy Spirit can be snuffed out when I give another person the right to prophecy into it over Daddy. I cannot expect peace if I am giving power to man to confuse what I know to be true. In my search for truth I have asked every single solitary person I know about the subject and in doing so have lost many truths from Father. I understand that we are called to be a prophetic people, but we are not to speak the negatives that He is showing us about a person, over them. I believe He gives us that privy information for the sake of intercession alone and not to play Him.
I found myself taking a shower and letting Him confirm these truths as the water rained down on me and washed away my tears. I repented of complaining about my boyfriend, my finances, my emotional state, my location, my lost ministry dreams, my lost business, and the way it painted a picture of my being ungrateful. I could not blame anyone who had tried to pick me up and better me, or fix me, through advice or challenge because I played into the devils schemes by grumbling and seeking earthly remedy. I understood why I had been angry for so long and I took ownership for my setting the stage of being misunderstood.
The following day I gathered for worship with friends who had visitors from IHOP. Elese and Rachael could have almost been sisters because they were so peaceful. Yet the things I heard and saw over each of them were vastly different. I felt my body relax and when I did, Daddy spoke to me and gave me the words to articulate what I needed to convey. The coolest thing was that I didn’t even know them but felt compelled to honor them. I can’t remember everything that I saw or heard from Daddy for them but He was instructing me to not add any assumptions or human interpretation to His revelation. This was like a light bulb going off in my head because I realized how many times I had done this before and it was the very thing that I hated to be done to me. He had my attention and I spoke with pure edification out of fear of making it about me, being recognized for having the “prophetic word”. It seemed paramount that Daddy’s excitement and love pour out rather than my having to give answers or insight. I think that was one of the first times that I understood “fearing” the Lord. I truly didn’t want to speak unless it was His words.
We went around the table and prayed for each other and the anointing increased. The Holy Spirit was flowing through each of us, unity was tangible. I remember thinking that Elese and Rachael were “totally on it”, just before I silently asked Daddy to let them pray over me. I wanted to remain quiet and teachable and to take everything in. I also wanted to stay on the course of letting Him direct who speaks into my life so I wouldn’t go back into seeking man’s truth.
We were getting ready to pray for a friend when Elese said she wanted to know if she could interject a word for me. I almost lost it because only seconds had passed since my prayer request. Nobody objected of course, and I locked eyes with hers. She was so matter of fact as she shared what Daddy was showing her: “I see you speaking in a conference setting to women. You have a way of expressing yourself that they will understand. The women are representative of this wood table we are sitting at, needing refinement. Your words are like sandpaper that smooth out the rough edges of their pain. You will speak to the deep pains and issues of their heart. I also see you in a long line of women who you believe are your friends but they shove you and pull you backward to the end of the line. But Jesus comes and walks you to the front and says, “I will give you people who spur you on and champion you, true friends.” I also see a picture of you handcuffed to a pole which represents a pull from your past that drags you down, weights you. It is so heavy but you try to control it and it has been heaviness for a really long time. Self-control is good but not to the detriment of yourself because the enemy uses it to hinder your walk. Now Jesus is coming to unlock the handcuffs with a key. The pole crashes to the ground. I believe many people have tried to suck you dry, taking everything they could from you without giving back and expecting you to supply what they need. That is broken because today Jesus is ending it.”(everyone else’s opinion is unhealthy to need for affirmation)
Rachael saw a picture and wanted elaborate, “I too see you in a prison but you are not alone. When you are released you plead with the guard and seek freedom for those who were left in the prison cell, you go in and take them out with you.” Elese picked back up, “You are in a home, it reads, “House of Hope” and you are leading those who need nurturing of the mind, will, or emotions. Rachael spoke again, “I see you dressing brides at a wedding in preparation for the bridegroom. You are sewing their veils and catering to the finishing touches. This is a representation of your preparing the body of Christ for marriage, intimacy with Jesus. There is an open door for people who can give equally in relationships with you, no agenda. Others follow you because they see your sincerity and trust you are humble. They hear your words and know you won’t lord over them.”
It was like a ping pong ball because as soon as one would finish the other picked right back up from where she left off and continued to prophesy. Rachael said, “You’re in a dark room that is pitch black. People are crammed into the room with you and feeling for a way out. You ignite a torch and it blinds their eyes because they have never seen light before and you lead them out of confinement. I also see you in the passenger seat of a helicopter, however you are leading the mission and tell the pilot where to hover, give the command for supplies to be dropped in the exact location that Holy Spirit instructs. In addition you will teach and encourage and disciple many women in a setting you have created, much like a home but you will not be among them constantly. It is a time of learning intimacy through these relationships.” Elese began to bless me and called back every lost hope and dream into existence. She said that Jesus was lowering a ladder so I could climb what looks like the “Great Wall”. I ask Him if I should climb up and He says, It’s your choice. I climb to the top and stand on a wall so thick that it creates a sturdy base. When I look out I see a vast city which is endless. The Lord tells me that my vantage point and territory will greatly expand; I will see even greater widening with spiritual eyes.
I think I was convulsing at this point. I literally could not believe how every word spoke life and generated hope. Every dream of ministry that I had died too since my deliverance was brought back to life. I was just beginning to accept that business would be my focus and that I was ok with walking away from writing, teaching and speaking for the Lord. I saw way too many people sell themselves for the sake of growing ministry and I surrendered any advancement of self as soon as my eyes were opened the fall of 2012 after prophetic deliverance. I had actually become excited recently when my writing ventured into health issues for women. Of course I always added my flavor of “truth in Jesus” subliminally, but I was content in approaching everything through Him without having to spell it out. It seems my handing it over to Him allowed Him to give it back to me. So much revelation was flashing through my mind; all the confliction, and dying to self, and complaining, and expectation from others that left me tired, it was all making sense. To be prophetic often times means appearing foolish to others. To have to make a disclaimer that you are prophetic, kind of negates the altruism of the gift. I have learned to give others the message I hear the Father saying and let the passing of it validate my gifting.
In an intimate setting without any agenda or mention of clout or importance, we prophesied to each other and experienced the kingdom of God. Heaven touched earth in a healing way through prophecy. I experienced such emotional flooding and purging that it solidified my identity in the Lord and gave me a new perspective on life. What was imparted to me no one could take away. It was miraculous. It was a day that trumps the only other healing prophecy I received two years prior in India. Ravi Kandal prophesied almost word for word the same things about my hovering supplies in a helicopter, delivering mindsets, and freeing those imprisoned. It is moments like this that cannot steal my confidence or knowing that Daddy has spoken. It was, is, and will forever be my miracle of truth, emotional healing and anchoring of my identity. It is not by accident that I moved 11 hours away to sit under the instruction of the deliverance ministry that set this captive free. I intend to bring virtue, which is truth and justice, into every new encounter and see freedom from a heavenly vantage point. I have my eyes on Him because I trust He has His on me.