After years of scheduling three or four doctors’ visits in a week I relate well to afflicted patients and misunderstood medical phenomena. I have had my chart flagged in many physicians’ notes for being a hypochondriac and I repelled people when seeking prayer at church. Now, being on the other side of relying on a practitioner to be my God, an “end all, be all” for my prognosis and cure, I have accepted my responsibility to pray to The Great Physician, my Daddy in Heaven. In recent weeks I have remembered symptoms that plagued me my whole life and I have seen the keen awareness my body has to holding memory within it. I have never hidden my constant struggle with pain and mysterious aliments that move from one body part to another, but now realize my speaking about it can bring comfort to others.
I had a friend who was my gynecologist for the two years leading up to my discontinuation of medicine. I could text her at any time and she would schedule me for a visit within 24 hours. I became dependent upon her authority to diagnose my trouble, treat it, and offer another anecdote when the symptoms would return. Nothing healed my condition. What did happen was an exchange of knowing myself, for belief in her knowing more about me than I did, because she was the doctor. I fell into a codependent trap that I see so many Americans fall into. Due to the worlds systems and how it creates a hierarchy of dependence upon professionals and their link to pharmaceuticals, which define a dependence on someone other than ourselves to find answers to our questions, we are usurped of our authority for self. I’m speaking of the questions so many of us have about why our bodies break down and fall into similar feelings of pain.
We know ourselves best, but often give up on our own ability to trust ourselves when someone else trumps our “feeling or sensing” with a textbook answer often void of emotional correlation when diagnosing. Many times the Lord is speaking to us through the Holy Spirit and we have the ability to trust ourselves because of who He is in us, therefore it is okay to lean on His understanding even if it doesn’t make sense to the Doctor. His children know His voice and many have walked healing journeys alone because they heeded His leading against popular professional opinions.
“Dorothy Woods Smith had polio as a child. She worked for years to strengthen her legs and learned to walk without braces. Many years later, after becoming a nurse, educator, and consultant, she developed “post-polio” problems. She developed muscle spasms in her back and legs. She had to draw on her years of experience to recover. She now writes articles about recovery from what health care professionals may inaccurately believe are a hopeless, debilitating condition. She talks to physically challenged people about giving up the false comfort of magical thinking, no longer empowering the doctor, nurse and therapist to make our choices for us, and learning instead to join the health care professionals as partners”(B.Siegel, The Survivor Personality) Dorothy empowered herself by taking former moments of pain and reusing her overcoming ability from those instances to prepare for the next battle ahead. She forged a plan of recovery based on being her own best advocate; she used the past as education for how she could heal in her present and live a future helping others take responsibility for themselves.
My doctor friend did me a favor when she started placing boundaries between her and me. I no longer got responses from my texts and found myself having to call her office to schedule visits. Upon arrival of my visits I was ushered to her colleagues who dealt sternly with me, saying that antibiotics don’t cause yeast infections and that further visits would need to be scheduled for follow ups despite the fact that previous methods that were tried and failed yet repeated, somehow were my fault. The assumption that repeated issues were because of my own doing caused me to ask myself questions, only they were rooted in shame because I had to sleuth out what I was doing wrong to contribute to my own sickness. This kept me bound to a habitual cycle of figuring out what started my symptoms and how I could have caused them, totally negating the spiritual aspect of evil assignment, curses or demonization. In fact, when I mentioned that Christians can face opposition from demonic attack that was welcomed through trauma, I was warned that a call could be made to a mental hospital. The mere assumption that my ailments were held in place by evil intent, even from a Christian nurse, was unfamiliar in the medical industry. This catapulted me into seeking relief from pain by dismantling a demonic root. When I finally sought help through a prophetic deliverance ministry and learned much of my thinking needed to be revamped following the deliverance of demonization from control, I still suffered sickness in my body, but to a lesser degree. This gave me pause, and I realized that freedom from within often changes one’s expectation of commonly expecting hardship. He whom the Son sets free is free indeed, and I could no longer blame my demonization for sickness. My belief system was challenged after the strongman of control was dismissed and now I was left with myself. The bondage was in my thinking.
We are not our thoughts. We are not our sin. We are not our mistakes. We do not have to re-live physical ailments that remind us of a memory in the past. I was 32 when my memories came back to me about sexual abuse starting when I was 3 years old. The emotional pain lingered for years and destroyed far more than one body part. It crept into my stomach and bowels creating problems with digestion. I had headaches all of my life, suffered with an eating disorder that demanded 9 months of hospitalization. I can re-count every time I was unable to walk due to pain radiating up and down one side of my body. I sought deliverance because I was convinced that affliction was my lot in life, both emotional and physical. But now I am on the other side of deliverance and much of my symptoms are gone and nightmares of walking on tight ropes across rapid moving bodies of water have stopped. Until the day of your deliverance, you can still exercise your own authority and seek emotional healing that will ultimately dismantle the fear, shame and guilt which makes you sick. That is truth. Call it what it is if you are feeling fearful of being trapped. Speak to yourself and say, “I know you are fear of entrapment, but I have felt this before and survived. I choose to break agreement with you. I am no longer trapped.” Then you must ask Daddy for what you need. “I need healing of every ailment attached to this emotion of fear and I expect it because that is Your hope for my life”. Then keep asking. The Bible says, “You have not because you ask not”. Keep knocking on the door of heaven for your continual emotional healing. Everything thereafter is just a symptom.
I do not take meds anymore and when I resort back to it I often get worse. I will always relate our well-being back to looking within for clues from the past, to what is upsetting you in the present. There is always a source and origin of thought and belief attached to any ailment. I’m a big proponent of what you take in through your senses. I listen to secular music and often find intense revelation in the lyrics that I trust God uses to calm my spirit. In the same respect I get rid of toxins that persuade me to react negatively or hopelessly whether it’s degrading music, movies, TV. or people. In order to love you must love yourself and begin to feel comfortable in your own skin. Be your own best advocate by doing what you already do with intention. If you like music but listen to offensive lyrics, throw in one uplifting song a day. I feel it’s too hard to proclaim a change in a schedule when you already feel stressed and out of control. Listening to a song is something most of us can do without stretching ourselves. I don’t think it’s an accident when one of your favorite things comes along your path in a day, pay attention to how it makes you feel. Sit with it while it lasts and then go back to being melancholy if you must, but eventually you will tire of looking for spoiling to occur after every good thing. Your emotional well-being is your responsibility to trust Daddy God with.
I had to laugh when I heard this song the morning I wrote this, it was a direct nudge on my heart from heaven.
“Innocent” by Taylor Swift
I guess you really did it this time, Left yourself in your warpath, Lost your balance on a tightrope, Lost your mind tryin to get it back. Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days? Always a bigger bed to crawl into. Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything? And everybody believed in you? It’s alright, just wait and see. Your strings of light is still bright to me. Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been. You’re still innocent. You’re still innocent. Did some things you can’t speak of. But at night you’ll live it all again. You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now. If only you had seen what you know now then. Wasn’t it easier in your firefly catching days? And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you. Wasn’t it beautiful runnin wild til you fell asleep? Before the monsters caught up to you? It’s okay, life is a tough crowd. 32 is still growin up now. Who you are is not what you did. You’re still AN innocent. Time turns flames to embers. You’ll have new September’s. Every one of us has messed up too. Lives change like the weather. I hope you remember. Today is never too late to BE brand new. Lost your balance on a tight rope. It’s never too late to get it back. You’re still an innocent, You’re still an innocent.
I never did feel innocent as a child. I never looked up to the authority figures in my life because they couldn’t be trusted and taught me not to trust myself. Trauma is deafening on all levels especially when it left my body marked with pain, but the Healer of Heaven longs to be my answer for it all. I trust myself more and more each passing day and I’m taking back my childhood. It is my right to view life through the lens of healing and now I choose too.
I no longer subscribe to the pain moving around in my body as being demonic or a spiritual attack of infirmity or affliction because I have been delivered of the strongman; what I do address is that deep wounding’s surface in our bodies and manifest as an indication that further emotional healing needs to take place. I generally let someone pray as they feel led over ailments that show up in my body, and I simply let them off the hook if they go chasing a demonic root when they have not been delivered; it is just how the church does things. Whatever Holy Spirit chooses to reveal through their words of knowledge or pictures and prayers that discern the root cause of pain I can agree with and seek truth for any lies that I believe. It is here, the place of our belief about being ill that will progressively remove many layers of faulty thinking and inevitably bring wholeness if we let it. But what most think about demonic assignment, demonization and curses is the real issue. My Doctor and her colleagues were freaked out by the suggestion of evil lying dormant in my body because they were limited by their own beliefs. Foundationally these subjects create fear in themselves because many disregard their validity, and equally as many go looking for them under every rock. Even if you have not gone through a prophetic deliverance experience where delivered Christians look into the spirit realm and see what stronghold has kept other demonic forces attached to your emotional pain, deliverance is your right.
If God the Father created us out of dirt and Jesus was the carpenter who built a house of love for our heart to reside, then Holy Spirit can reveal truth that is unknown, so we can humbly receive what we cannot do for ourselves. Every person is a spiritual being made in the image of Christ; therefore at any stage of your journey with God, you can connect with the innate need for His strength to heal and deliver when you have run out of options. Jesus is the ultimate source of peace and love that trumps self diagnosis, root causes and familiar cycles of shame, ailments or family strife. He is in the business of equipping the saints for an end-day church that will not reside in a building, but who gather prophetically to set His children free. Your ultimate inner healing will manifest in physical healing throughout your journey with God. To seek Him is to know Him, to know Him is to become like Him. Your wholeness is dependent upon Him.