I see my pain differently now

A Frenchman named Emile Coue created a mantra for his patients to live by.  He found that if they repeated a mantra such as, “every day I am getting better and better”, they were more successful in overcoming disease and sickness than those who fought their prognosis with sheer will.  He determined that strong conscious effort, which is defined as will-power, can create a reverse thought in imagination.  Saying, “I will get well”, can easily be side lined by imagining the circumstance to grow bigger.  From a spiritual standpoint we know vain imaginations are those whispers from the enemy that ask, “Are you sure, what if you don’t get better?”  He concluded that the will and imagination can become at odds and eventually vain whispers win the war in the battle of the mind.  This law of “reversed effort” has kept many people wavering in their hopes for healing.  Since we are aware that an undetermined mind is easily tossed back and forth, we would fare better by seeking truth behind our thoughts that cultivate emotional unrest.

If we ask God to take our thoughts and pinpoint the areas of belief that deplete our hope, we can break the cycle of shame, guilt and regret that bind us.  Freedom can manifest as we walk in grace through our process of healing rather than walking a tight rope of striving and perfection.  Wholeness takes time but can offer lasting effects if led by the Holy Spirit.  Projection of how long healing takes, based on our cooperation with worldly anecdotes, dismisses the need for God to be our Great Physician, and assaults our faith with hope in a lesser god, an idol.  As with anything, once a law has been put in place, breaking it disrupts the positive expectation it was trying to promote in the first place; people often succumb to feeling like a failure because they missed the mark.  This in a nutshell is why religious and medical strategies work hand in hand to point out the person as the perpetrator against trusted methods, and the system remains the authority.

In my case, I did whatever my doctors told me to do, at least for a while.  I took the meds and buckled down on my behavior, changed my diet and kept up with visits.  Because my personality seeks information I did my own research and talked to other women who couldn’t get over emotional strife when linked to ailments that had unknown causes.  My female pain was escalating and had been deemed chronic by a number of specialists. As the symptoms changed or morphed I noticed a hypersensitive response emerged when I read about them on medical internet lists.  Every time I found two or more symptoms describing another attribute to a hopeless condition, I was weighed with more hopelessness.  I didn’t want to be told what to do anymore by a doctor who was guessing, or assuming standard measures would have to work with me.  I recognized my thoughts were giving credit to the enemy because I believed he had more power to afflict me than the Lord did to heal me.  I had to address the drive in me that was seeking a remedy and exhausting hours dedicated to finding answers.  My friends in similar situations said they didn’t care about the different treatment plans as long as the doctor was prescribing something.  That didn’t work for me anymore.  My thinking was disturbing me, “why am I settling for internet information and doctors to be my answer?”  In order to stop the confusion and anxiety I decided that I needed proof something was going to help or not consider it an option at all.  I determined that what was good for another might not be the best for me.

I wanted complete restoration so I started doing things that the doctors told me I couldn’t do.  The nerve that was damaged in my reproductive system was linked to my nerve in my legs which kept my adductor tendon from healing, so I decided to run.  The same nerve gave symptoms of tingling in my back and arm, so I started lifting weights.  Due to the amount of stress I had over being bedridden every three days, I had acquired hypothyroidism.  My sleuthing out spiritual beliefs in connection to maintaining illness uncovered that all of these were founded in self-hatred.  So I took communion twice daily for two weeks and sought a steady exercise regimen that allowed me to pray at the same time.  I let go and let God direct a healing path for me that stopped those symptoms as soon as I did the opposite of medical advice.

Studies show that “differences in patients stem from differences people experience about how much or how little control they have over their lives.”  Some people believe they are controlled by outside forces like when I gave the enemy power by believing he had the authority on my pain and the doctors were the authority for alleviating it.  I easily switched into the other belief cycle where I became responsible for whatever happened to me because I didn’t follow strict protocol.  Nothing has been more rewarding than seeking what I could not do for myself by laying down the control of my life.  Control played my friend at times and became my greatest foe at others.  For me, I could recognize an outside force was real and that it pitted me against myself as well.  This dilemma slowly started to fade as well once I was delivered by the demonization of control.

After I was delivered from this control spirit, I realized its entry was through my sexual abuse which started at the age of 3. I had to accept that no amount of medicine or procedures, promises or potions were going to heal my emotional trauma that gave way to self-defeating mindsets. I had been on 37 different prescriptions for anxiety and every antibiotic and bacterial med known to man.  It was time to start living and stop placing my faith in a system that offered me a maintenance program at best.  My ability to stop taking the prescribed medicine opened my eyes to true healing.  I could recognize that much of my fear was wrapped up in mistrust of knowing what I needed.  It was hard to lay down my instinctive mode of swallowing a pill for relief in body and mind, but a rewarding and unique process all the more.  It has been a three and a half year walk of recovery since the day of my demonic deliverance which has afforded me the ability to own mistakes that can lead to physical repercussions without having to place moral judgment upon myself and keep thoughts of fear and doom in place.  Sometimes a decision backfires but it doesn’t mean I’m a good or bad person because it turned out to be the wrong one.

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