Remembering

Remembering

It is so much easier for me to recognize Daddy’s goodness today than it was this time last year.  I have always professed His goodness, but done it with the motive of correction.  If someone lacked the ability to grasp my understanding of God being good, and satan being bad, then I would walk away feeling defensive, look up more scriptures to back up my argument just to make sure I was right.  I know now that much of that spiritual rivalry has a lot to do with the need for deliverance.  Again, since I have received it I can see more clearly and address the rejection that fuels me, and seek forgiveness for my total restoration.

Just a few short months ago I asked the Lord for ability to call Him Daddy.  I wanted a deeper understanding of how a Father relates to His daughter. I can’t remember how long the transformation took because it seemed almost immediate, but being around my friend Nikki definitely confirmed it’s a great way to relate to God.  She only calls Him Daddy.  God set me up again.  He gave me a direct confirmation and answer to my prayer.  It wasn’t by accident that for an entire week I kept reading scriptures about asking Him for things.  It must be the Holiday season because I feel like its Christmas already.  I keep asking for deeper revelation and understanding and He keeps blowing my mind, all the while causing me to give my will over to Him.  I think it’s interesting that most people believe His will always gets done.  If something bad or good happens, they attach it to being His will.  I don’t argue anymore, I let them believe what they want because Daddy gave them freewill, but I rest in knowing that His will is always good.  If something bad happens Daddy isn’t responsible.  There is either a sin involved through choice, or a demonic spirit.  I know I lost half of you right there, but once you have been set free from the habits, hang-ups, and behaviors that you can’t stand about yourself, you realize that supernatural miracles are coupled with overcoming supernatural evil.

My greatest realization of God’s goodness has evolved through my own introspection.  I can’t candy coat unless I’m speaking to a fragile individual and then I temper my boldness.  I feel like the Lord knew that about me when He created me, so I choose to see how He works in my life to relate the best way possible to those around me.  Since the emergence of my unforgiveness toward my mother, I have talked to my Father openly about the effects of parenting on a child.  Crazy enough we have watched about two Christmas movies, both with an emphasis on family breakdown and the need for understanding from a child’s point of view. One of the main characters had trouble committing to a relationship.  My Father literally voiced his heart and said, “I don’t understand what’s wrong with this guy?”  I explained that his mother left him repeatedly as a child, so he has built up anger and fear of it happening with anyone else he gets close to.  “Watch,” I said, it will probably come up later in the movie.  The next scene literally revealed what I had just verbalized as being the problem.  It was like our watching this movie was part of a set-up because Daddy opened the doors of communication. It is the Hallmark channel, and a very sly way for Daddy to pull people into relationship.

Nonetheless, I voiced my passion for child advocacy to my Father because I feel as children it was absent in our home.  He listened to me for quite a while as I was working on an art project and discussing my feelings about parental guidance.  I fully believe I will be a spiritual mother to many one day, so I make it my business to interact with children and pray protection over them.  I related to my Father that my youngest sister was the only one I felt safe approaching at this time.  He cautiously answered and spoke of the dissimilarities she and I had in viewing circumstances with my Mother.  He mentioned that my middle sister speaks of the same feelings I have toward my Mother and that she would best understand me.  He shared that she has even spoken of feeling rejected and unwanted from birth.  With the most recent vision I have had concerning light coming into the womb when I was being formed, I kept quiet and made a mental note to pray about this subject.  If the opportunity arose to share how being unwanted in the womb has made me question my worth throughout life, I would definitely take it, but first I would need a chance to establish a relationship with my sister.  Since the emergence of my childhood memories and my talking about abuse, I have been labeled the mud-slinger of the family.  Little goes into questioning my dad’s responsibility for owning the problem because it is easier to blame the one who blows the whistle.  I know the dynamics of protection and denial from siblings in cases like mine and I appreciate their support of a belief.  The peace I rest in now is that my need to expose my father’s sin is gone because of the many moments I have handed it over to Daddy and received emotional healing.  I’m not sure if a time will come when I can openly declare the truths of my childhood with my sisters, but I know my choice to establish relationship with my earthly father doesn’t negate it. I have an opportunity to forgive him so that he is set free.  My mother and sisters have their own journey of revelation and faith to walk that I trust will bring the same acceptance for reality without the need to punish.  Sin is enough punishment in itself.

Regardless if anyone in my family believes my story or not, I have experienced a greater level of understanding and compassion toward my father through sharing it.  I listen for the message in his conversations and I watch his body language.  I envision him as a hurting soul who repeated patterns he was taught, yet I’m aware that my love can pull him toward the same redemption I have experienced through my Savior.  I consider the love that myfather speaks of having for me that felt foreign most of my life.  Sometimes I’m speechless because I hear his heart on a matter but sense and feel a completely contradicting emotion within my chest.  Yet even as he steered me away from contacting the wrong sister first, I knew his hopes of reconciliation for the family were to relieve guilt that had grown heavy on his spirit and soul over the years.  He openly shared and even commented on his parenting mistakes.  When I said, “its ok”, I truly meant it, but he rebuttled with, “Don’t act like it doesn’t matter because it does.”  In this moment Daddy was giving back to me all the years that were stolen in my childhood through my estrangement with my earthly Father.  Now there was a relationship being established that Daddy was orchestrating for me to realize the love of a Father.  My heart and mind was listening to my Father with keen awareness of the heavenly vision Daddy had for me.  It was another set up for sure.  The very sister I thought in the natural who would receive me first, was not the one Daddy had illuminated.  A protective measure was made by my earthly father through the love of Daddy shining light on a subject directly from heaven.

Days went on and I asked Daddy for 100 things a day because I began to expect receiving them.  It was fun.  I would pray for His will and see it virtually unfold before my very eyes.  One night my Father wanted to go out to eat at his favorite restaurant.  I’m not a fan of chain restaurants, but kept my mouth shut and went along with what would bless him, after all he was treating.  He introduced me to his friends there as if I was on a pedestal.  No one knew of our recent reuniting so I’m sure it looked like he was parading around his daughter in a manner that was weird, but it spoke volumes to me.  This is how Daddy in heaven loves over us, how He lavishes on His kids.  I let my Father be himself and he opened up about his own fears in life, one of them being death.  As he was talking I saw the number 92 on his forehead in the spirit.  I started laughing and told him what I saw.  He stopped speaking for a moment and then said, “This is very interesting because my decision needs to be made tomorrow about the age that I want to insure up to for life insurance.  I didn’t know if I should pay for the extension or not, but it would cover me up to the age 92”.  He looked down at his plate, looked up again, and asked, “should I go for the 92?”  I said yes.  The rest of the night I shared stories about my life that have seen the “words” of Daddy come to pass, and all the miracles that I had witnessed.  Calling God, Daddy, in my father’s presence seemed awkward the first time, but then it began to roll off my tongue.  Stepping into my comfortability with my father and Daddy was confirmed in that instant.  Then Daddy told me to cover the check.  After all it is the season of giving.

The following day I went to the pool and saw the same lifeguard whom I spoke with earlier that week.  Amazingly she told me of her experiences at her waitress job; the disrespect, the lousy tips, and the recent loss of her money making shifts.  In listening to her I saw much of myself in her and could relate to the attitude she had to protect herself.  I saw in her a deep wisdom and maturity for her age.  I spoke over her what Daddy was showing me.  She confirmed the lure to council people but admitted her belief that she was not strong enough.  This was another similarity she had to me, so I shared my returning to school for a Master’s in counseling 17 years after laying down the dream of doing it.  I explained that God never abandons His plan for our life once He puts it in motion.  To my amazement she said she worked at the very restaurant my father and I had been to the night before but wasn’t there because they cut her hours.  I made a mental note of her revised schedule, asked Daddy for a way to bless her, and then began my swim.  Something inside of me was curious to see how many laps I could endure after being out of practice for 6 months.  My mind drifted as I swam to thoughts of estranged relationships, suffering loss in my lifetime and how similar most people’s experiences are.  It seemed that wherever I went I met people who were questioning life’s difficulties just as I have, yet I was unable to console them without the compassion from Daddy.  He was lighting the way to not only my healing, but those He brought across my path.

Later in the day I felt compelled to pray for the lifeguard in the spirit.  A confirmation of financially blessing her came when I went to the bank to draw out some money.  I bought her a card and wrote, “when the world lets you down and things you count on fall away, the Lord will send you exactly what you need.  I hope this gift represents for you the many ways God will meet your needs.”  I went to the restaurant and was greeted by the manager whom I had met the night before with my father.  I hadn’t been there in 2 years and then showed up 2 nights in a row.  God has such a sense of humor.  What was even funnier was a group of people from my gym sitting at the bar pointing in my direction and laughing.  I was looking right at them and they all turned away except one lady’s husband who was obviously embarrassed because I caught them in the act.  I just waved to him and re-directed to finding my waitress.  I gave the card and some chocolate to her, hugged her, and then left.  I got in my car and asked Daddy what that was all about?  The Lord brought back to my memory the wife of the husband who I just saw at the bar; she and I use to talk at the gym 2 years ago.  She had shared about her need to exercise for self-worth, and how much of her life was consumed with striving.  “Oh, I get it.  I know best why she is so mean, I have been there myself.”  I began to intercede for this woman and asked Daddy to restore her self image faster than He did mine.  I didn’t really appreciate being the object of her jest or praying for such a mean lady, but the gym had become a cicrcle of influence for me because of the amount of time I spent there.  I know best how grueling it can be to work out and still reject yourself afterward.   I hadn’t prayed for the ability to intercede for anyone because I thought I was too weak to do it, yet at the same time I forced myself to tax my body for false strength.  If I would start to intercede for strength to overcome rifts in relationships I may have more authority to impart that to others.  My mind began to ponder how desperate my heart had become to feel strong in its own right through physical exertion rather than rest in Daddy’s ability to accomplish more in the spiritual realm.  My natural tendencies to mask pain were easy to recognize in others who were relying on their own strength as well.  I sensed I was growing tired of fixing problems that arose in the natural but maybe that was the point.

I slept in the next morning and took Dad’s computer to the store that works on all of my electronics.  I asked them for all the coverage on my computer to be transferred to my fathers.  They reluctantly told me his files would need a back-up at an additional cost.  Daddy obviously knew that was going to be the case so I just trusted finances would become available and told the tech to put it on my tab.  I thought, “I know people in high places,” it will all work out.  Whoa, did I literally just think that?  It was even an immediate response.  “OK Daddy, I trust you,” I confirmed in my mind.  My girlfriend called and asked if I would meet her at church so I had even more expectation for a great day.  As I was driving to church the Lord reminded me of a friend who was healed through juicing.  I thought it was such an awesome idea but didn’t feel strong enough to do it, yet it was literally the only attempt left that I hadn’t tried.    I had been praying for years to be able to fast in some way that was pure, without the motive of weight loss behind it.  The thoughts were fleeting and I returned to worshipping in my car.

I arrived at church in the middle of worship and to my surprise my hairdresser was there.  He has walked with me through my journey of struggle since my wedding day, through my divorce and all the family adventures.  He had to return home to his wife who was ill, but needed some time in the Lord’s presence.  The sermon began and I made my way to my seat with my friend.  It seemed that the Lord was bringing up reminders for everyone, including my Pastor’s wife.  She shared a testimony of Daddy being with her through the midst of her waywardness and sin as a young adult.  He still protected her and her child when danger encroached because of her choices.  She confirmed what I always say, “God didn’t put me in that situation, I did, I had a choice, but He reminded me of that so I could be thankful for what He has brought me out of.”  Beautifully spoken.  From one woman to another who has made some bad choices, I could relate to Daddy’s mercy instead of shame.  The Pastor spoke of parents dropping their kids off at the psychologist’s office to fix them instead of investing love themselves.  That happened to me for years after my parents divorced, and it caused me much confusion.  I was reminded of my search for understanding after being told I was the problem my whole life, but it led me to seek council on my own as an adult that has perfected my counseling instinct.  Then it hit me, I have overcome much.  Just in my ability to understand the mean woman’s actions at the bar, and my choice to respond in love shows that the grace of God has changed me.  I have never considered myself an intercessor before, but these past few weeks I have prayed intently for everyone I met.  What was all of this change about?  It all has been a set-up from Daddy.  He has used the enemy like a pawn to advance my ability to overcome in every trial throughout life.  I made the choice to seek a better way, Daddy’s way when mine failed.

I was moved by the words that were preached from the pulpit.  As if that revelation wasn’t enough, the Pastor called a corporate fast of “liquids only” for the next week.  I was moved to tears.  I knew in my spirit that this was another set-up for my success through Daddy’s strength.  He was confirming that I hear His voice when He prophetically speaks to me.  I realized just how prophetic my nature was and how He used my choices and thoughts to step out in spiritual decisions.  Since my deliverance I could look back and see all the ways He directed my path to various ministries that got me one step closer to ultimate freedom.  Now I was able to see His heartbeat in every relationship unfold; with family, a lifeguard, a hurting woman, a pastor’s wife and my own past.  Through Him I could embrace His prophetic attributes in myself that always foretold a deeper message under someone’s story.

My friend, Nikki, and I went out after service for our last kick-off meal before the fast.  To our amazement, it was another set-up.  We discovered that all three of us were given visions of jewelry making, interior design, and fashion design when we were kids.  I dance, they sing, I like to sing but that can be painful at times.  Each of us thought the arts in us were buried and unreachable.  A common slogan Christians preached at us all the time was, “You have to calm down and focus on one thing, and you’re all over the place.”  We laughed so hard because we could all relate to the skeptics of the church, and how it quenches the Holy Spirit with its approach to worship “in order.”  It reminded me of my writing I posted a few months ago stating that I expected to walk in all aspects of the five-fold ministry.  If Daddy gave us the dream for these things obviously He will equip us for bringing them forth.  And here we were, brainstorming about our passions and resurrecting lost dreams that we thought were stolen.  Our God is a BIG God and He will bring those things to pass that He birthed!

As the bill arrived I remembered Larry Randolph speaking about a time he went out to dinner with his prophetic friends and they all fought over the bill because each wanted to pay it.  When I heard him say that, at that time in my life I hadn’t yet experienced that opportunity.  I was actually kind of amazed, because I considered it a blessing if someone else paid for me.  Prior to salvation it was a stumbling block because it got me in situations on a date that usually required paybacks.  (Just sayin)  How thankful I was to finally be living out the breakthrough of my purity and financial resources.  That’s 2 for 2 in one week of my staking claim to new depths of understanding!

Before we left the restaurant I was reminded of one last thing; I questioned some youth when I was a leader at my old church, why they would go into business instead of ministry?  They told me they were called into business.  I didn’t understand that so I asked Daddy for understanding.  Within months a friend gave me a book entitled, “Jesus Inc.”, and told me the Lord said I should read it.  I had it done in two days because I read it as I worked out on the bike.  A light bulb had gone on then, because I saw myself as being placed in business to make an impact on the world.  I knew at that time that my entire business was a set-up from Daddy’s hand. All of these remembrances are a sign of the prophecies coming to light, that His children are redeemed to change life as we know it forever!

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