Three Wise Women
“Daddy, I feel like I lose the insight you give me just as quickly as I gain it. I put these unspoken boundaries on myself that drive me to do it all at once or not at all. I can see so much of your hand in the scripts written depicting the Christmas season and what it can do for people’s hearts. I love this time of year because the lights make me feel cozy and give me a reason to appreciate the short days. Thank you for getting me through another fall season with less haunting memories than the year before. Amen.”
Truth be known, October is usually one of my worst months during the year because of all the memories I associate with childhood pain. I usually have to hold my breath until Thanksgiving approaches, then somehow the fog lifts and I feel better making the next 6 weeks “about” Christmas. I re-watch the same Christmas movies every year and have most of the lines memorized. For the first time during a December month, I woke up and turned on a movie to drink my coffee; this was a rare occasion since my move to Georgia ended my business and lent me extra time during a once-productive season. Since time was now on my side I allowed myself to sit with it. I couldn’t remember if I had watched “Three Wise Women” last year, so I thought I’d jog my memory. I can usually glean a pretty good prophetic tale from most of the movies I take in. If they relate to a facet of my life in the slightest then I allow myself to get lost in it. A lot of times, Daddy teaches me about myself and my perceptions on relationships by reminding me of myself through a character. This was no exception. This movie would be labeled “spiritual” by most, but most obviously prophetic by me. When the storyline is focused on redemption my antennas go up and I sit back and relax, allow my spirit to open up to Daddy’s truth for me, and feel excitement when I allow myself to be entertained.
You see, just three short years ago I watched movies for companionship when I wasn’t able to engage with my own emotions because it was easier to zone out in front of a movie screen or simply work myself to death. During my divorce I picked up a waitress job on the weekends so that every moment of every day I was distracted from my emotional pain. I never really tired naturally at the end of a day because I was indeed afraid of falling asleep and doing it all over again the next. Forget about knowing how to interpret my dreams, all I wanted to do was forget them because I believed they were pointing out what I was doing wrong during my waking hours. Yes, I was a hot mess. I was moving 100 miles an hour and so hyper-vigilant that I didn’t understand what it meant to truly rest.
Now things have taken quite a turn since those blurred days and it seems no matter what I do to fill my time most of it will not be done quickly. Hence, popping in a movie that December morning was a brand new thing and not as challenging as it would have been three years prior.
In just three short years after going to ministry school and through prophetic deliverance, I have finally begun to ask questions about why I do the things I do. Without the foundation of my cleaning business in Georgia I have been forced to live on my savings; money found in an envelope as I was packing up my house in Maryland which had gone to a short-sale. I clearly understood that Daddy surprises us when we least expect it. He used my diligence and responsible nature to prepare me for tough financial times ahead all because I kept paying into a bill that I was accustomed too. My packing up lost dreams set the stage for bigger ones to unfold even on a limited budget of $12,000. I remembered once I moved to Savannah how Will Hart worked at Lowes for a season and lived miraculously on minimum wage but grew rich in the Supernatural. My time has been very similar. I have used that same $12,000 to send people through Prophetic Deliverance retreats, go to India, pay for the care of teenagers who needed a home and cover all of my bills throughout a three-year time span. Was it fun? Absolutely! Because through it, I realized that I could live on 5 dollars a week if necessary and stay home to write instead of look for a distraction outside my front door.
Supernatural exploits started to emerge in my daily life where I once used my income to travel and meets other’s needs. My confinement, my lack of surplus income, became my ticket to freedom. It was the proof I needed from The Lord that He was my provider and guide to investments. As I sowed into my own broken heart and those closest to me, everything I needed was supplied. I was confronted with myself and relied on Daddy for the answers and faith to follow through with what He said. I was without so much but gaining so much more!
This particular morning I had prayed through recent circumstances with Dylan and how both of us are still together after much ambivalence and persecution from outsiders. Coupled with the Doug Addison word for the day of breakthrough for boundaries in healing, I chose to rest instead of seek solutions to fix my daily problems or project into my future. I had woke up at 4:44am and got out of bed at 7:17 am. Any derivative of the number 14 means deliverance. My spirit was calling out for refreshment and I smiled as I recognized the many ways Daddy prepares us for a download of revelation. I began sensing and feeling that shifts in mindsets are upon us, that grace and accepting what we don’t understand is a key to freedom from ourselves. Somehow this new year that was quickly approaching would be redemptive in its own right. It doesn’t have to be the doldrums of unemployment and fear of not having provision. It’s a time to recognize that being angry isn’t working.
This emerged to the surface at our last coaching session where I heard Dylan’s heart and how it has been broken with my having no idea. We always work on my problems and reactions to things making him feel as if he has no say, no rights. That hit me hard. It stirred up a lot of dreaming the nights leading up to this particular morning; I was stealing in one, at a base of a mountain in another, getting rotten flesh thrown at me in the third and I was surrounded by friends who were truly not my friends, each one paralleling true circumstances and disappointment in my natural life.
I started to ask for my baggage of offense to be lifted from me. I complained, with good reason, about how wronged I had been down here and I reminded Daddy just how long I had looked for steady work, but then I always had my pouty face staring me back in the mirror. At times, it was downright scary seeing the fear in my eyes as I gazed into my reflection for answers. I had none. Time was moving so slow that all I had time to think about was my fears.
In reality, my worry about health and income had created growing health problems and mismanagement with the money I did have. My days were enmeshing and I couldn’t tap into my healthy and loving emotions. How wonderful that Daddy used a timeless choice of movie watching to be viewed at a most peculiar time. He was in fact, setting me up for the new season that is wooing hearts toward Him. I had seen “Three Wise Women before but my spirit was so responsive to the character, that I found myself cracking up one minute and crying a river the next. I was instantly glued to the movie screen once I learned that the main character made a vow as a child to “never love again”, because her father cheated on her mother and then her boyfriend cheated on her, in the same night! Now I know what your thinking, that this is a chic flick and she will get even, but it’s quite the opposite. Her way of getting even with the world was to work herself into success, guard her heart and not feel emotionally connected to protect herself. Now who can’t relate to that? Heck, this chic may as well have been me. The interesting thing is that Daddy spoke to me about the ways I have protected myself from pain over the years but how it always makes things worse.
I have built up so many rules and expectations for others to prove their commitment to me that I silently hope to sabotage a healthy relationship before it can even become one. This only reiterates my childhood vow of protection when I told myself, “I am leaving when I’m 18 and they will never see me again.” I had a wall go up instantly and anything that triggered my fear of being left, would become another experience that proved I needed to take care of myself. It didn’t matter how the words spelled out in my thoughts, it always resembled the same motive, “I’ll cut them out”, “I have to do it myself”, “everyone has always abandoned me”, “why am I always the one who has to be wrong?”. As I viewed the main character grow into an adult, I felt the accomplishment she had obtained because of becoming a workaholic in my life, but I equally felt the depravity of peace that grows when a person can’t slow down enough to look inside oneself. Wow, my life was on display, and in another movie! How many times am I going to have to see a part of my troubles on the silver screen before I change? Maybe 1,000 if it led me to this one aha moment. My mouth was gaped open as I viewed the child of the present day adult, visit herself with the intervention of an angel.
It was so cool that this angel walked through walls and told the child version of the character to bring back vitality to her present day adult self because the direction of her life wasn’t coinciding with the call on it. The angels appearance was Biblical, causing immediate fear but then bringing calm. Once the child grasped the huge importance of healing her own future, she co-labored with the angel and placed herself directly under his guidance. The goal was to slow the adult down long enough to whisper truths into her thoughts while she was asleep. The suggestion of people gaining insight for their lives through dreaming was perfect for this storyline. I was loving how Daddy was throwing legitimate scripture into this scene. The acting was spot on and it warmed my body as I slumped into the pillows deeper. The childlike version of this woman was energetic, funny and curious. The girl instinctively trusted those who surrounded her while she freely responded to circumstances with intrigue and enthusiasm. It was this reminder of who she really was that merged her past with her present day circumstances. The freedom to respond without pressure and performance to validate her worth was unfolding.
Ironically, I was sensing that my present day circumstances weren’t as bad as I thought because my child likeness had emerged to the surface. As I watched the scenes of redemption unwrap in the movie, my spirit recognized how quickly I have drawn on my own inner strength to respond like a child instead of an adult. Could it be that this movie was reflecting my true nature of compassion and thrill seeking as I related to the childhood girl instead of the grown businesswoman? Yes, and I was happy about it. I too suffered at the hand of my loved ones as a small child and made a vow of self-preservation that would imprison me instead of give me the protection I wanted. Now at the age of 39 and approaching year 40, I wonder if my time wandering in the wilderness will be ending. I no longer seek a rescuer because I can rescue my thoughts from darkness by submitting to My Savior. What once allowed me to push others away also stole moments of emotional involvement and intimacy that I craved. Being a success story in the business world did not mean that I was maturing in other areas of my life. In fact, I sense a new paradigm abounds on this earth where materialism and success actually stifle one’s ability to understand him or her self. After all the years invested for financial stability, ministry motives and reputation, many often feel dissatisfied. Numerous Christians have had to release accomplishments to gain foundational truths they overlooked for earthly gain. Too many of my colleagues ventured forth in plights for God only to run ahead of Him and burn out because they took control of their own circumstances. With the uprising of ministry that earns a small fortune I believe we will misconstrue anointing with a following. A set-up is established by both God and the Prince of this air for us to fall into either path that will eventually demand we heal from the past we are running from. It will occur through Daddy’s love either road we choose to travel because His mark for advancement proves itself through restoration. I got caught up in the goal of serving Christianity because I believed it would make me whole, but like so many others it led me into disillusionment which thankfully brought me back to the beginning of my life.
Knowing one self and loving the child within never gets cultivated if success is pursued without healing the past. The pursuit of anything other than Christ alone will become a mere distraction, something to be filled with objects or excursions that fade away. The best anecdote to pain is seeking the child likeness God first gave to us regardless if anyone else affirmed it. Getting back to basics is loving Him who first loved us so we can love ourselves. For many it will be embracing that Daddy wanted your conception more than your own parents. For others, it will be retracing steps into experiences that are void of memory but indicate suffering, putting a story to what has always been blacked out. For countless others it will be the forgiveness and re-forgiveness necessary to choose in one single memory over and over again until it is pain free. Do not allow another to shame you into believing that forgiveness is a one time deal or that you should just move on. Nobody knows best the details and perceptions that went into every moment you have lived except for your creator, therefore journey with Him into what still harms your soul and lift it toward heaven, however many different angles it manifests. Truth be told, one memory can require hundreds of different in-roads of pain that the enemy used to distort truth. You owe it to your inner child to look at it for the sake of your fruitfulness as an adult.
In these critical times, we will see the leadership of God’s people rise among those who value inner healing while embarking on spiritual success rather than popularity and appearance being forged as proof of anointing.
Too much of what I have done my whole life and up until now has been based out of the abandonment and fear that I lived as a child. Due to my need for affirmation and love I plowed ahead, made a success story out of my upbringing to redefine myself. I was not gentle with myself, I was critical of myself and others and I feared people who thought differently than me. I kept people at arm’s length while I cried myself to sleep because nobody really knew how desperate I was for connection. Years had passed me by and I never stopped to ask myself what I was running from?
Then I watched the last scene of this movie and felt Holy Spirit tug on my heart. He asked me if I wanted to break agreement with anger and abandonment? Did I trust that HE could reinvent my perspective of my life, my childhood? Could he exchange trust for my disillusionment yet understand where my emotional discord came from? Knowing that He was saying yes to my questions of Him, I kept asking. I discovered that His gentle hand was indeed reaching out to me with compassion for what I have already lived through. I didn’t need to strive and make up for lost time because all of my ups and downs are still under His care. Would I be willing to lay down the race I was running for a jog in tandem with Him? He, Daddy and Jesus wanted me to draw on that inner child’s strength to dream again, to laugh, to welcome their acceptance of me even if I thought I failed. My hearts cry was, “YES, these false strengths aren’t working anymore. I’m willing to start over, look like a fool and learn who I really am.”
With the credits running after the movie had finished, I found myself praising Daddy for His divine appointment in that moment. Somehow that movie spoke to me on that day in ways I had never acknowledged before. I broke free from the curse of my childhood vow and invited the exchange of freedom from heaven. I didn’t want another 39 years to pass me by before I found success in trusting Daddy with my future. If He has been with me since the beginning of time, since the start of my journey on this earth, than all lies about being abandoned, unwanted, condemned or unloved, have been distractions from my seeing Him. The truth is that He knew I would fall into unbelief when I picked up mindsets of this world, yet He valued my process. Some may look at my life and deem it “questionable, weird or dangerous” but “I’m good” because I value every moment of both indecision and elation. Disillusionment occurs for all of us otherwise they wouldn’t produce movies that capture it’s essence. Be thankful for the moments you question why you do the things you do and if there could be a greater call on your life than serving Christianity. We don’t serve a particular faith but faithfully serve a loving Father. His love will bring us back to basic trust and love that many lacked as children. I know that He intends to help you and I cherish our sufferings just as much as victories because it deepens our walk and shields all temptation to seek our own. The enemy perverted too many thoughts, actions and behaviors in my lifetime for me not to recognize the goodness of God’s redemption. The only vow I want to make is to continuously lay down my life in hopes of gaining the one He has called me to. I suspect my healing process will take a number of turns as I move forward, but running after my own prize will not be one of them.