March 2, 2014
Being on the precipice of exhaustion for a long time coming, I was asking Daddy how to do healthy relationships and get me off of the emotional roller coaster ride I had been on. When I moved to Georgia without a job but hopes for continuing my business down here and starting a new one, I had all of the expectations of bliss because of the confirming dream I had where the Lord audibly told me to put my seat belt on as the car of the roller coaster turned upside down and everyone else was screaming. The interpretation was simply, “setting out for an adventure that many would never risk taking.” Of, course there are many details in the dream, but it came the night I decided to take the plunge south. Now, 6 months later, “I want off this ride!” Without consistent work, hormones triggering tears, believing lies that trigger inner child temper tantrums, and struggling in my relationship with my boyfriend, I stood holding my breath looking over the cliff. I went to bed Monday night and woke up in the early morning thinking, “just because something looks bad, doesn’t mean it really is.” I think I heard that from Graham Cooke because it’s not a natural perspective for me. I was definitely curious about what it meant.
Since Christmas I had gone through a process of taking tests and transferring paperwork from Maryland to land a teaching job in the school system. I already mentioned previously my volatile temperament with those closest to me and how a cycle of on-again-off-again behavior became a coping mechanism for gaining control of my unknown future. I believed I needed my boyfriend Dylan to pray me through every life challenge, yet was failing to see that as being another one of my problems. Under the pressure to pay bills and deal with the gamut of emotions that were surfacing, I was holding onto one aspect, any aspect of my life making sense. Finally a break came and I interviewed for a long term position. I have credentials in autistic therapy and see that very different from special-Ed, but in the public school system they are commonly combined.
I hoped in my heart of hearts to get a twelfth grade assignment but told Daddy God I would walk through any door that was opened to me. I’m not a fan of working with the special education students who are wheelchair bound or non-verbal because I’d want to lay hands on them and pray for healing all the time, which I got fired for doing in 5 schools in Maryland. I was gritting my teeth when they placed me in none other than this situation and I seriously questioned my ability to “not pray for them”, simply because it’s a school rule. Come on already, these kids obviously need healing so what’s the harm? Yet, I knew the challenge to remain hopeful in what seemed like oppressing circumstances, would overwhelm my already chaotic life. I’m going through the process of wholeness after being delivered from a very real control spirit, how the heck was I going to be able to maintain composure should I be trapped in a classroom with children I could not communicate with? So I put on a smile and planned for the following, first day. That’s when I fell asleep and had the, “bad not being bad” thought on my mind when I woke up. I decided to get out of bed early to ponder this positive mantra and was enjoying the sun shining into my white room where I write and pray as I opened up an email from Doug Addisson. It confirmed spiritually what I had been living all of February and he mentioned this day’s date to prophetically clear up confusion. The same thing had happened after the roller coaster dream last year when he prophesied my move-in date as being a strategic one.
That being said, I had just stepped out of the shower for teaching when I received a phone call from the board. They were informing me that I needed specific Georgia credentialing in order to take this position and somehow this red flag wasn’t noticed before. Job revoked. I can honestly say that at no other time in my Christian walk, have I experienced such rage to the point of cursing God. I even screamed, “I am not Job so yes, I curse you. I’m done serving you. I’m tired of feeling like you are squashing me like a bug under your thumb and hindering me from every good thing coming to pass in my life. I hate you and I blame you for my life!” I sent out a 911 text to my closest friends, who I often push away when I’m dealing with hurt, but I told them also that “I would no longer be serving God, but just in case I cool down, please pray.” My boyfriend called and listened to my rant, but I hung up hastily because I believed I needed him to pray over me instead of just listen. I was seeking a person to explain to me why everything was upside down, and I wanted it to be Dylan. He on the other hand, has his own list of resentments, one of them being my frequent, lengthy rants of feeling alone to “figure it all out by myself.” I can only imagine how that strips him of feeling secure in our relationship. If only I could exercise the faith I have for him to walk out in victory for myself.
There is no other way for me to express myself other than sheer transparency, and I am aware that it makes most people like my boyfriend feel uncomfortable, but Daddy had left me hanging way too many times for me not to wrestle with the conflict. I fundamentally believed I was abandoned by Daddy because of all the things I cared about seeming like they were wrong. Subsequently, after my volcanic eruption I questioned my own sanity and even if I had even been delivered in the first place. Regret and shame quickly came over me but I was powerless to ask Daddy for anything after all that I had accused Him of. Then the phone rang. It was an emergency opening at the high school so I proceeded to get ready. My friend sent a prayer in response to my admittance of sheer frustration and for a moment I had calm. The prayer blanketed my body as I read the visual interpretation of positioning for upgrade. I repented, composed myself and put on my armor.
As I entered the school I saw one of the wheelchair bound students being rolled down the hallway and heard, “I knew that wasn’t the door you wanted to walk through, see how intimately I know you.” I almost felt the lump in my throat burst out of my skin and roll down onto the floor. “Your still going to bless me with the best aren’t You?” I said in my thoughts. “It’s not bad, it’s really the best,” Daddy replied. I was so humbled. I walked into that twelfth grade classroom and felt the presence of Holy Spirit. I was flooded with gratitude and put two and two together of just how many times He prophetically lines up the timing of my life. The end of August and the end of February were the exact dates that spiritual positioning occurred for me and Dylan, because we were looking for a new chance at life. I find it upsetting that our childlike faith to venture into a foreign land in August has disrupted our security, intimacy, and peace 6 months later, but yet it is still understood prophetically to tons of other Christians who are facing confusion after stepping out in faith. If I didn’t even trust Daddy with my life anymore, how could I ever trust the people He places in it? My intimacy with Daddy had almost come to a standstill and it was affecting the closest person to me, my boyfriend. I wanted him to help me with life instead of the One who was much better at fixing things that seemed unstable.
This brings me to the continual process of having to work out my salvation and lay my circumstances at His feet. In realizing that all the expectation I place on my best behavior and the behavior of those I’m closest too, I must die to myself. I will always let me down but the source of strength comes as I deny my own strength and pick up His. In my many weaknesses I can rely on the word that is tucked away in my spirit and re-call the many battles that the people of God fought in the Bible. Most conquered great feats only after running away from the “word” of prophesied miracles that Daddy already won for them.
For me, this daily dialogue I am maturing into is nothing short of miraculous, because it is raw and turbulent, accusing and convicting, but so intimate and worth the struggle that tests my resolve. Some may not see my growth at all or deem me as someone who has so far to go, and they would be right, but I’m thankful that I can express myself and tap into emotion. I believe that the attraction some have to my intensity is because it feeds their lack of it. Where I long for help in the areas of “too much emotion”, others still feel my passion to spur them on because of it. The problem lies within the great disappointments I have expressed to anyone who will listen. My problems are often too heavy for many to carry and hearing Daddy’s voice for me becomes muffled. Tapping into emotions is good if it leads to healing, but mine were looking more like I roller coaster headed toward a wreck. I see that this has set me up for feeling let down by personalities that seek peace, because my combative nature is always hoping to be understood and reproduced for victory in their own lives. I want to teach others what “I know” which is why I love high school teaching so much, but I recognize my natural tendency to pour more into students who give feedback and receive the words I speak. When summing up my relationships since I moved, I’ve only grown closer to those who I feel invest energy into or appreciate the things I do. I function really well if another makes me feel safe and secure until they fail me in an area that only Jesus can meet. With my belief being in my own strength, my following all the protocol, or working really hard to make others happy, I have hardened my heart a little more each time I wasn’t rewarded.
With the focus on, “having my needs met” in hopes of return from Jesus, self or others, I set myself up for bitterness. I put Jesus into the mix because I see how I have dumbed down our relationship to become a give and take reward system, totally void of my dependence on Him for love alone. If I truly believed that He heals my soul as I prosper financially, physically, and emotionally I would not have to be a martyr. I would lay down my good efforts in hopes to reap a reward or to be recognized. I would love the people closest to me even if they didn’t see things my way, accept me, or love me because I would appropriate that He alone meets my needs. I could take my friends’ advice and see a bad situation as an opportunity for spiritual promotion.
I think we all need to recognize that love and acceptance have been stolen through childhood experiences that cause a breech in relationship with Daddy God. Those who suffered victimization in subtle or dramatic forms have even more walls to scale when overcoming heart matters. Neglect is the leading form of abuse that invites sexual and physical abuse. Somewhere, someone wasn’t protecting us as a child and it became proving ground for the enemy to afflict and consequently demonize. The worst form of abuse, which is emotional, accompanies all other forms of abuse, but it is the least likely to hold the perpetrator accountable. Therefore, as we age we experience familiar situations and responses, much like the original one and the themes of our lives are ingrained with lies that thwart our identity.
I shared my experience with Valentine’s Day and how Daddy took me to childhood to reveal a memory where I was abandoned. Looking at the memory was painful, torturous because of the view my inner child saw, but as an adult I pressed forward because carrying the effects of that trauma were no longer working. I was judging every action and conversation with my boyfriend through those distorted lenses. I fell miserably when I thought the job I judged as being “taken from me” was a continuation of that same distortion. Seeing Jesus in the midst of a powerless memory has now made that same memory a source of victory. A very bad thing that reaped a harvest of destruction over a lifetime has now miraculously become a source of revelation that has the potential to dismantle every other familiar, negative feeling in my future.
This is not an easy process, nor is it easier to walk out when you’re in a relationship with someone. To acknowledge that inner healing must be sought after is the first step to a series of steps toward recovery from demonization and victimization. I don’t know how other couples do it but I have not fared well. My abandonment as a child lures me into reactive responses all the time when I feel alone in decision making. But for many reasons, you can’t always depend upon your partner to hold your hand through it. I wish I would have been a little easier on my boyfriend and his process, but the longing for my needs to be met often fell into his lap because I foundationally believed that Jesus abandoned me way before I even met him. Relationships are hard enough without the added need of renewing the mind as individuals.
In seeing that I was failing miserably in my closest relationship I began reading up on cognitive distortions. Repetition Compulsion is a distortion in thinking that seeks comfort in the familiar which is the desire to return to an earlier state of things even if the thought or pattern was destructive. This cycle has been going on for way too long in my life and the pain it has caused leads me to believe that it morphs to rise to any occasion, because I seek to be filled in the present to make up for the depravity in my past.
If I chose Dylan because his calm demeanor seemed like an attribute I could benefit from, I would fall back into the abandonment lie from childhood every time he lacked emotion concerning my needs. His very strength I focused on left me feeling empty in times of my abandonment being triggered. The response is my hyper sensitive reaction and his withdrawal. On the other hand, if he chose me because of my initiative and his potential benefit from it, he could fall back into his core lie every time I confronted him. My initiation becomes nothing more than he re-living out a cycle of complacency and my loneliness. This becomes a familiar cycle that the relationship falls into but nonetheless offers comfort because it reinforces the thoughts we have grown up with concerning deep lies.
What has worked for me up until now was always becoming angry at this type of relationship because it’s scary believing a man who is emotional could put up a good and healthy pursuit of me. That reiterates the familiar lie, “I always date men who are emotionless”, and continues to tell me, “It’s all I’ve ever known so at least I know how to cope and take care of myself.” Hence, the belief becomes that I would be better off with someone who was not calm and passive. To think differently would feel foreign. To react from a new belief I would have to ask Daddy, “what is Your belief”? The challenge would be to recognize the distorted thoughts as repeated negativity and take them captive, because at this pivotal point decisions for dismissing my relationships are made. It would be a foreign feeling to face the abandonment issue, take it to Jesus and trust He can fill me in that moment and every moment thereafter with acceptance. A new hope for comfort would be made available to my emotional child within who no longer expects people to change for the sake of my existence. The enemy is the accuser of the brethren so he longs to keep me hopeless in a lie that I have caused my circumstances because I chose this type of partner. In reality, if Daddy healed up the lie, need for comfort in familiarity, and confirmed the positive attributes in Dylan, He would uproot a lifetime of brokenness and reveal what actually is working.
Repetition Compulsion explains from a secular standpoint, that we expect our partner to become the person who fulfills us or even heals us based on the unmet childhood need, but when they cannot we relate to the first time it felt that way and judge them for failing. The familiarity of childhood pain feels safe because it is all we have ever known. It taps into my belief from the inner child that “I will never be taken care of”. Staying stuck feels true and hopelessness is produced because I have exhausted all of my resources. From Daddy’s standpoint, it doesn’t matter what is going on between two people because He already knows that His love provides the answer, but we must get alone with Him to find it before proceeding in the relationship.
Due to the way Daddy made me, my deep introspection has caused me to find affirmation through the opinions of others so I don’t feel alone in my opposing internal beliefs. This is nothing more than abandonment being the source of my emotional exposure and being misunderstood. What I have realized is that 9 out of 10 people who have heard my personal expression and know me, want the best for me, but cannot speak outside of their concern for me. They look at my situation and tally the facts, weigh my personality and give advice. Consequently, I keep my focus on what’s lacking and having to change my circumstances hastily.
The continuous thoughts of, “Dylan needs to think like me. People need to get me. I need tangible proof of my life working out,” keep me in a constant state of striving and perfection. I need to be the solution to my problems instead of believing others create them for me. I know better than to assume I know what goes on behind closed doors in anyone else’s’ life, because inside my own there a ton of questions. I want what others seem to have with their partners but how do they communicate, how do they keep from assuming the worst? From what I have witnessed, few Christian marriages work as a team and fight off outside attacks very well. I believe a couple has the potential to be so connected to Daddy God that they get sent out into the daily grind, get beat up at jobs and through mundane activates just to come back home and get filled with love and acceptance. The capability for each person to pray the other through the storms of life has to be there or everyone would be divorced. Yet, even as I hope for the best I know that I cannot always offer it. If other couples seem perfect, I feel like a failure and that I don’t measure up. The comparison factor really sucks and I want a clearer view from Daddy’s perspective on how to love myself so I can love my mate before I set out into the world.
Dylan and I have been through deliverance but still come up short in knowing how to let the other process a new outlook on a personal relationship with God, much less together. Therefore my approach to learn patience and long suffering comes from a deep intimacy that Daddy has recently birthed, a very foreign but necessary waiting for my boyfriend’s growth even if it is from afar and without daily input. I mean, if I truly want to be a woman of faith and walk out in the spiritual truths that are hidden to most, I think it’s time I do a 180 in my thinking and confront loneliness. I should confront why I feel I need to be in a relationship for happiness. I should confront why I have only been single 6 months at the most. I should confront my beliefs on needing a spiritual leader as a husband and setting expectations according to the judgments of religious teachings. I should confront how the church has taught women that list making for qualities in a man truly led me into disappointment. If I am going to stand by my man though all costs; infidelity, addiction, abuse or death where would the training for that come if not now? I have seen many given over to these tragedies and fall. How will I even be able to stand in the assurance of a mid-life crisis should my future husband have one if I haven’t met my maker beforehand in the secret place? If I’m going to be a proverbs 31 woman I first have to be willing to be one.
Curiosity is a huge component to my being willing to take risks. I am definitely better off to have loved hard and passionately, than to have never loved at all, so what is a little distance going to hurt? If I am to call forth things that are unseen and speak them into existence shouldn’t I expect opposition and doubt from every angle? My one friend Nikki, who always encourages from a spiritual perspective, can agree with me for the perfection of my relationship with Dylan because of what she has walked through in her life. She and one other person I know, Hans, have heard who their spouse will be in spite of severe circumstances that defy the possibility of survival. Yet, they shut out the opinions of others because they know what they have heard from Daddy concerning their future spouse, who is in every way running from them.
So that piques my curiosity because I want the same challenge. I cannot give up on Dylan even if he needs his space to process his wholeness. In fact I would prefer it so I can lay down my insecurities that have disrupted his focus on healing because I always need assurance. Am I guaranteed a return? The ultimate return, finally the return of my own trust manifesting in the God who is the author of love. For weeks I asked Daddy for ways to pray for him but because I was in the midst of daily struggle, felt too drained to “press in”. When a quiet time span surfaced, the heaviness of being “prayer less” lifted and my true heart opened to a brand new thing. A sustaining thing that feels light and peaceful but goal directed toward both of our betterment. I am able now to intercede from deep love in Dylan’s absence from my daily life with him, because God has told me to trust Him alone and stop making mandates on a man who longs to figure life out for himself.
To fear that God will take him away from me speaks of where I’m truly placing my faith, in that fear. Instead, I can place the longing for a healthy, emotionally filled marriage before the throne of grace and sow into it through intercession. I can experience joy in the waiting for his return as well as build patience that I recognize I lack. To live lined up with the Kingdom of heaven I have to recognize that it is upside down. Dylan is a King. I am a King. I am obligated to the Lord on Dylan’s behalf to shut out the well-meaning people who see our relationship in the natural. I am to suit up in my armor of royalty and fight the opposition against us with spiritual strategy and rest. I am to lay down my need to do the teaching or leading because it triggers Dylan’s lies of being lorded over, a familiar theme that needs to be broke over his life. I want to see the privilege in being called as an advocate through prayer and watch how Daddy transforms each of our identities.
If I hope to hear Daddy’s voice throughout the day and get promoted into the level of prophecy and teaching that I know I am called to. I have been so bogged down with advice, programs and religion, that I have lost sight of the original vision Daddy gave me over Dylan and I. I saw integrity written over him the first time I met him. In learning about his past during our first conversation I knew that the Lord wanted to do a deep healing work inside of him. I had compassion for his experiences and hope for his future. I was unaware of how his coping mechanism from childhood pain would tap into mine, but now I do, and I’m willing to be moved out of the way for his self-awareness to come alive so he can be the best King he can. My natural response has always been emotional and it causes others to see what plays out in my life as surface. But that is not who I am, I am deep and so is my Daddy, so it’s high time I speak the alignment of heaven into my existence.
Those original meetings, the first feelings we have toward a love interest, are the reasons we enter into a relationship. Over time as life invades the feelings that once kept a couple interested, many stop prematurely before seeing it through to the end. This is where I kept getting tripped up.
Yes, I remember what I heard on the day I met Dylan and it resonates even louder now that we have time to step back from each other. If I hold onto the things that Daddy spoke to my heart concerning the man that He is, than I will not waver through the process of growth even if I’m not there to witness it. If my longing has always been to have an exemplary marriage and not repeat the familiar mistakes that ended my first one, it makes sense that I will have to die to myself in order to become a better mate. Many may ask what authority I have to say such things considering I lived through a divorce already. My response would be that I’m delivered now and set-up perfectly to hear Daddy’s direction through opposing familiar thoughts and lies of doubt.
The Bible speaks of a time when the husband and wife separate themselves intimately to fast and pray. How do I know that this isn’t a representation of that same need for intercession during the dating process? I think it is exactly that, because few people can walk it out. If I position myself to overcome in the face of fear, loneliness and abandonment, to hear what truths Daddy is speaking, it releases my responsibility for judging something as impossible. If God is the God of impossibilities than anything the enemy throws at me concerning unbelief for a prosperous marriage would only increase my chances for winning the fight. I already know Dylan is an overcomer because of what I have seen in the spiritual realm. I want to know that I know I am an overcomer because of what I have seen of myself in the spirit realm. If I let go and let God do that, my times alone will be consumed with depth that I have never known. And I need more revelation in this arena. I need so much more.
I want that opportunity. I want to see from a heavenly perspective and contend for a very real revelation that was given to me 10 months ago about Dylan’s’ identity lining up with the Kingdom of Heaven. It does neither him nor me any good to focus on our troubles anymore. Knowing the Fathers voice means listening to what He has spoken and re-speaking it through tough times. The enemy cannot create and therefore operates from a place of familiar and fearful emotions. It is time I go beyond his distracting tactics and walk into fighting for what I know the Lord told me. To love a partner the best I have to first love him as a brother. I have to pick up my sword and cut out the confusion of psychologists, prophets, teachers and friends if they dumb down my godly relationship to a natural level. I also have to let them off the hook because they do not know the spiritual insight on my life because it hasn’t been given to them.
Daddy knows my place is to be obedient now and rest in His fullness as He re-wires my responses to the unknown. It is a new and foreign land that I wish to conquer and admit it is impossible without His strength. But still, my curiosity spurs me on because the intense revelation of his identity that I had when I first met Dylan has not faded. People have always treated Dylan as the way they saw him behave. Yet I see something others can’t see. I choose to rest in who I saw. I choose to speak it into existence. I choose to take the risk of waiting for divine timing of our fitting together, both aware of whom we are in Christ. I choose to conquer a foreign place in my heart and expose it to Daddy for the sake of His being able to grow up Dylan without my help and to give us that indestructible marriage we first envisioned together. I choose to contend for the same emotional healing that I have witnessed so many times in the physical bodies of strangers. This is close to home for me. I choose to stand on faith regardless of the final outcome because my position comes from rest. I choose to risk looking foolish. If I trust Daddy will lead me into all truth, I trust He will reveal the duration of my intent. If this is the mission, nevertheless the cost.
Anything foreign needs to be studied, whether it’s a new language, plan, land or relationship. Most new things are foreign to us and require getting to know about all the angles from which to approach understanding of it. First time parents embark on a foreign journey once the baby is conceived. From each passing month as the embryo matures in the womb to the moment of birth, foreign understanding of expectation can be grasped based on the previous discoveries of development. The doctor can determine if the health of the baby is good, making the parents dependent upon his judgment of a subject that seems foreign to them. In a life with Christ, He is the great physician who has already determined a whole person within each of us, but it still feels foreign because the faith needed to draw on Him for love isn’t familiar.
Believe me, my spiritual eyes are just being opened to all of this, but I think victory comes in recognizing that we all seek love and acceptance from God, but have not believed it because of relational pitfalls that started when we were small. Familiar lies from our past that taint every relationship thereafter have become the norm and steal the opportunity for us to live in expectation of a new, foreign adventure. The Israelites were embarking on a foreign journey to free them from oppression and experience the love of God personally and relationally in miraculous intimacy. He was their God and longed for their acceptance of His love and pursuit. Yet, they complained and wanted to return to the familiar dwelling of Egypt even though it represented an unfulfilling, cruel bondage. The greatest fulfillment was ahead, in the Promised Land if they recognized their need for it, which they didn’t because they looked to a man, Moses. They did not see Moses as a gift from God to carry out purposes for a brand new way of life, a renewed way of thinking.
Our marriage partners are that gift from God who is used to deepen our understanding of intimacy. If your relationship is rocky, on temporary hold, or even appearing to be over, acknowledge that person as a gift. Release him or her from obligation to fulfill you, answer to you, understand you or help you. In that place of looking within you can set your needs on the shoulders of Jesus and demand that He speak His truths. How does He see your mate? How can He bring back the good times? How is He going to equip you to see a bad thing as good? What areas of your heart have you built self-preservation around? How is your relationship going to be promoted through your surrender?
We have to treat those closest to us with the love that we possess through Daddy before promotion to loving the outside world. We have to begin at home. We have to look toward the gift that we have been given as an extension of God’s hand. To be less focused on the person before us and more focused on where we are at with Jesus, removes our need to be made whole by someone who will fail us. To withhold the beauty of a godly marriage, we must release our hold. We must seek mind renewal of our old familiar thought patterns that tell us love is a feeling.
The renewal of our mind will always direct us toward unknown love that we are meant to possess through Daddy God. By possessing a foreign land, which is our heart, God is able to fill the emptiness our inner child longs for and stop the familiar cycles of seeking it through others. In Exodus 6:6-8, the 7 fold blessing of Abraham, the promise of possessing the land, is spoken to Moses. I WILL bring you out of Egypt. I WILL rid you of bondage. I WILL redeem you. I WILL take you to me for a people. I WILL be your God. I WILL bring you into the land. I WILL give it to you.
I had touched on this reference previously because I read it after seeing a picture of two perfume bottles. One bottle had the word “seven” written on it, and the other said, “Crave”. The crave perfume bottle was sitting in front of the seven bottle, which was interesting to me. I knew what my cravings were; physical touch and affection, security and safety, acceptance and protection, but mostly love. I wondered about these declarations in Exodus and how they were connected. When realizing the many meanings of the number seven and the promises that the Lord makes for each of us, I knew I could crave them through Him alone. What I had been doing was expecting a man to bring me out of my oppressing past, rid me of the bondage of my fears, redeem me, take me as his own, become my God, bring me into an exciting but foreign land full of adventure, and to give me the new land and live happily ever after. But relationship is not about the destination, it is about the journey.
The Israelites learned much about God the hard way. They saw miracles and were given provision, but looked toward their circumstances following the initial embarking as too hard. The good things of God were overshadowed, the original promise of rest forsaken. I have acted as the Israelites often due to my limited understanding of Daddy’s desire to lead me into freedom. So much of what we long for in ourselves and others has already been made available should we trust that Daddy knows us deeper than any human being ever could. It is His design to get you out of the familiar places and bring you into a foreign land where He provides love that heals your soul and brings your relationships into the possession of that love. Only He can fill your empty tank with living water that becomes your source to let go of the one before you, release your demands for trust, and open your spiritual eyes to see Him as your everything. Things are not always as bad as we think they are.
Daddy, come with your Holy Spirit and raise my man from the confusion of his past wounds. You have not given me a weak man, nor have you deemed me weak. I am a help meet in preparation for a holy and godly marriage. Do not allow this relationship to become a temptation in any form. Show me the truth in the matter concerning how to pray the opposite over impossibility. Raise the standard over our lives so we can become examples of Heavenly love and acceptance. I declare the old familiar emotions that once tried to take our lives out would be annihilated. I know you will do the miraculous transformation in my daily routine as I rest in your presence. Whatever comes crashing down on either side of my path toward wholeness, I declare will catapult me into promotion and thrust me into renewed thinking that cannot be shaken. I invite you Holy Spirit to place before me a vision that you have set for my soul to prosper. I declare that all of my personal and professional relationships will answer to you and line up with your abundant will. Forgive me for the many times I have spoken against my circumstances and partner that express my doubt, complaints and fears. I invite you to open both our eyes to see our relationship spiritually. Seek out our hearts and remove all hardened debris that lies to us and attacks our hope to carry out this very real assignment of contending for love.