Feb.14, 2014 is a date that marks a day of double deliverance in our time period that will never occur again during our lifetime. Most celebrate the 14th of February as Valentine’s Day, a day of love. I find it most fascinating that the day of love consisted of double 14’s which are defined by deliverance and spiritual completition. Could it be because the nature of love is so revealing of God’s nature and hope for each of us to find true fulfillment through Him? What is it about being in love that causes most of us to yearn for a mate and understanding? I believe most would answer that with someone we don’t alone or we can be accepted by another for all of our faults and attributes. But what I have found out about myself through the power of Daddy’s love this year was that I needed breakthrough from patterns of expectation and seeking another to answer my life’s questions instead of Him. Many of us judge the people closest to us much stricter than strangers or acquaintances. We expect them to support us as we go out from our couple hood and interact with the world so we can come home to safety. I have a very judging personality which serves it purpose well for discerning things but I found myself this year on Valentine’s Day being the object of the same judgment I offered, and most upsetting toward the love of my life. When judgment becomes about destruction, it is no longer about setting things right. Ask yourself, “Am I hurting my relationship with so and so by judging his/her actions instead of just observing?” If I take this question to Daddy and gain understanding after seeking clarification I can then move into setting things right that I assumed were destroyed.
Due to my judgment of what I was experiencing in the natural with relationships that I have been let-down by, I suffered immense aloneness just after the clock struck midnight this Valentine’s Day. I had a list of assumptions in my mind that I festered on and judged as negating my needs and feeling mismatched in my relationship with my boyfriend. My writings have begun to trickle into fault finding and as I re-read most of what I’ve been putting out there, I could see love had left my heart. Daddy was no longer my strength or the one I went to when I experienced trouble. For months now I have grumbled and complained about Him not being the focus and glue inside of my love life, and early in the morning Feb.14thI lashed out of my pain and directed it toward my boyfriend. By 3am I had sabotaged the relationship I felt so disproportionately weighed on my shoulders in comparison to how he helped me navigate through it. Knowing that the intentional focus of shutting him out was not what I truly wanted to do, I felt remorse. Unfortunately, this felt very familiar.
What I have discerned spiritually for many women recently was a familiar thread, and unfortunately my judgment toward it had laced my view with criticism toward the man I desperately wanted to spend the rest of my life. I’m writing about the gravity of this because I see it in most of my divorced friends’ lives, and now my own. I see the same longings in the “brides to be” that I meet when I sell my jewelry. I, like most women, have believed that finding the perfect guy to do life with will result in a happily ever after. I bought into the lie that says, “Giving love will make everything ok.” In hopes of not feeling alone I sought companionship and found great joy when I met Dylan. We had common interests and loved to talk. Now 9 months later I was empty and turned to him for everything, a familiar behavior that I used to end every relationship should the man fall short. My need for him to pour into my empty well was how I have lived all of my life. He didn’t have a chance at success because I tallied all the opinions of other people and used them to determine my probability of contentment for the rest of my life. As I lay in bed and remembered a conversation I had with my friend Nikki last week, I asked Daddy, “Can you speak to me like you do to her? Can I see a bad situation from a spiritual perspective instead of weighing out words that others offer when I feel alone and confused?” My focus turned to hating my sin of judgment and realizing the depravity of love that it held and ultimately stole my peace because I was playing God. I suddenly didn’t pick up the phone to call someone for relationship advice; I saw a need to end this cycle.
Then I heard Daddy say, “Double portion of deliverance today.” I sat up in my bed and saw a picture of two perfume bottles. The first was labeled, “crave”, and the second, “seven”. I had no idea what that meant but I was so curious that I looked up the number 7 and its meaning. What I read was astounding. “He, who has an ear, let him hear what the SPIRIT is saying to the churches.” The churches were failing in their corporate capacity, but this is addressed to individuals first. My stomach turned as I took in the power of Daddy’s word for me; “tell women that I Am their covering, they cannot put any man before ME because it was never intended to fill them. No husband or mate is called to love you like only I can.” I stopped crying and absorbed the revelation that my spirit was craving, one that I had sensed in myself and other women but lacked the words to describe both in a natural understanding and lack of experiencing it personally.
I read further in Exodus 6:6 and found 7 times where the Lord says, “I will”. I will bring you out of Egypt. I will rid you of bondage. I will redeem you. I will take you to ME for a people. I will be your God. I will bring you into the land. I will give it to you. At this point I was holding my breath. Man, this is good stuff. “Do you mean to tell me Daddy that I can trust You to do these things, that my looking toward Dylan or any friend to help me through life, to fill the emptiness in the pit of my stomach, can’t at least be of little good?” Daddy plainly responded, “I will do everything if you let me.” But, but, but, why am I just getting this for the first time? “Haven’t I surrendered a million times, haven’t I given you over the people that let-me down?” In an even more plain way He asked, “Have you?”
The definition of the number 7 therefore can be dumbed down to this – On the 7th day God rested, His work was full and complete, good and perfect. Nothing could be added to it or taken from it without marring it. Seven is an oath meaning Shevah in Hebrew, stating “to be full, satisfied, and have enough of. In Genesis 21:31 this oath is a covenant that brings fullness of security, satisfaction, completeness of the bond. Therefore the oath and number seven make up the word Beer-sheba which means the deep well of His confirmation to end all strife. This spiritual perfection can only be inspired from Holy Spirit. He was showing me that only He can fill the deep well inside of me that I longed to have filled.
Could it be that in choosing to not call on others for help or advice actually set me up to hear Daddy’s promise for me myself? Was I actually walking in the spiritual peace that I had witnessed Nikki minister through so many times? Yes, and I was actually overcome with gratitude because Daddy opened my eyes when I was willing to let Him shed light on my heart. It was broken, but mostly because I was charging Dylan with a death sentence, making him my God and responsible for relationship bliss. This is where my reality of “owning” my faults weighed in futile because I never did anything to change. I had mastered being a woman who could admit when she was wrong, but still hoped in my doing so to influence the behavior from Dylan and make him responsible for my peace. Whew, where did this come from? I put my head back on the pillow and Daddy showed me a memory. When I was very young my mom left to never return to the family. She stopped taking care of me, meeting my fundamental needs and I had never been able to rely on her for anything since that time. “Your problem is that you believe you were and will always be abandoned”, said the Lord. I wept uncontrollably.
I envisioned my mom walking out and lifted up the lie of abandonment to Daddy. I felt the heaviness of it disappear. I asked Holy Spirit to fill that dry well with his healing water. I wept some more, only this time it was with thankfulness.
Then Holy Spirit revealed to me that a new birth was occurring inside of me, I was able to trust Daddy with all of my let-downs. I saw the perfume bottles flash in a vision again and looked up the number 14, the significant doubled number of 7. The beginning line read, “Being a multiple of 7, 14 partakes of its importance and being double that number, implies a double measure of spiritual perfection. It’s Hebrew meaning is deliverance and used 22 times in the Bible. Therefore, 14 is a double completetion of security, satisfaction, completeness in God and an oath for Him to end all strife. What was happening within my spirit was a double portion of 14 defined. The intensity of the symbolism and specific word that I needed to hear was confirmed in, “you crave ME”.
I was undone.
I was reminded of many more memories where I ended relationships because the love I was craving simply could not have come from any earthly man. And somehow even in my attempts to stop the behavior of whatever Dylan was doing or not doing by threatening to end the relationship, I believed the lie that I would control who I let abandon me. The vow to protect myself from being forsaken rose to the surface and I gave that to Daddy too. I had wondered why I always walked away from people I love and now I had the answer. Wow, wow, wow. I had some apologizing to do.
One of the other significant questions that I carried around in my thoughts from childhood was, “why can’t I accept anyone?” Daddy said, “Fight (blame) or flight (leaving) has been your understanding of preservation and you cannot make my relationships religious; they will be void of true love”. Wow, back to individuals making up the church and failing at the capacity to accept each other. By my placing undue responsibility on Dylan to end my pain from childhood, I was acting like the religious people I judge, and making him the scapegoat should he not prove his loyalty to God and me. Judgment at the crux has been flight response when I am hurt by my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Could this get any deeper?
Of course, it’s Daddy I opened myself up to.
I was flooded with reminders of conversations from the people I am closest to and the first was just two days prior when my friend said, “don’t give up on something you have been praying breakthrough for 5 minutes before you receive the answer”. I know better than to assume since my prophetic deliverance that all of my bad thoughts went with it, but the struggle of facing what keeps them in place didn’t seem possible until this intimacy with Daddy. I want to contend for relationships, health, acceptance and finances this year so that means not trying to escape the pain of difficulty because I assume Daddy is not hearing me. Instead I truly want to recognize that the fears of these important topics are surfacing for my freedom and to walk through challenges as a victor I must trust the strategy that Daddy gives in my alone time with Him. This was amazing, to actually put aside belief that “problems overtake me” and see my response to them as being the behavior I need to hand over to God instead. He gets excited for the moment I finally turn from controlling my circumstances and walk with Him. I felt in my spirit that grasping this truth has the potential to forever change me, especially if I KNOW He is championing me from heaven to press on for the day that I don’t have to pick up reactionary responses in order to influence others around me.
This has been an underlying rift in my ability to believe that emotions could be rising to get set free from them. If Daddy is who He says He is, then He can give me provision for inner healing. With all of this occurring over a four hour period I was able to reconcile my heart toward uncertainty being for my overall good. (Coming from a control standpoint, certainty felt more desirable to trust in.) I know He doesn’t orche