The beauty of resting in Daddy is that when we truly do it, our ways of figuring life out proves to be exhausting. I didn’t make any new year’s resolutions because I didn’t want to fail at another goal if I broke my own promises to myself. The peace that I had attained in the recent past year felt good and I was hopeful to bring others into it by encouraging prophetic deliverance. My closest friends recognized their own need to have oppression removed from their lives so the common knowledge of this brought us closer. My struggles at church were rising because fear grew about demons in those who were going back down to Georgia with me but curiosity about how demons were supposed to be expelled, anchored most for the weekend re-treat. I kept myself busy with my own inner healing and per sued many avenues for introspection. I had the suggestion from my ex-husband that I, “start a twelve step program” in a meeting room and live above it. He offered his help in finding a location and getting the grass roots idea off to a good start. I definitely wasn’t feeling it and reminded him of all my grievances with the capability of making one’s higher power a doorknob through most “AA or OA” programs. I wasn’t going to waste my time with the idea because frankly I didn’t want a system that lacked Jesus to become my secondary scapegoat. Days later however, I met up with a close friend who was going back down to Georgia with me and was also very familiar with 12-step programs. She had given me literature months before and I looked at the workbooks. I looked over some literature on my own time but didn’t feel I had a need for a traditional step program like Overeaters Anonymous because I should be able to live victoriously since I had been delivered. The problem that remains after deliverance however, is re-wiring your thinking patterns that created habitual hang-ups. Deliverance is easy and dismantles the demonic strongman who keeps the person enslaved to past wounds, the inner healing afterward is necessary to free the person from his own destructive behavior even after the demons are gone. I literally thought that once I was delivered, I would suddenly eat correctly and be pain free. After all, my entire motivation for obtaining prophetic deliverance was so that I could have instantaneous freedom from myself. What I didn’t realize was that 37 years of sin, experience and habits had to be broken down and built back up on the truth of who Daddy is. Daddy sent His Son for our ultimate freedom but requires that we go through life seeking that freedom through His Kingdom. Everything is upside down in Daddy’s Kingdom compared to how we operate on earth. If however, I am to live on earth as it is in Heaven I must recognize my need for deliverance and then my need for inner healing. The Kingdom is about obtaining both with salvation.
So I ventured into small groups where I could apply the 12-steps of recovery and found great love among the people. The camaraderie was awesome and it was a very safe place in which to bring my pain of an eating disorder and reveal deep dark secrets that these people could understand. Shortly after my driving all over creation to attend several meetings within a two week time span, I recognized the consistent strength that my deliverance offered me in comparison to others who were applying a formula to their lives for abstinence. I definitely needed structure of some kind to make wise food choices and cope with bodily pain, but seeing others maintain a program instead of exercising freedom through faith almost made me rageful. Now I had not experienced such episodes of anger since my deliverance but all of a sudden they were exploding all over the place. This was an indication to me that I needed healing from a deep bruise within my spirit because it was getting triggered when I focused on the hopelessness that surrounded me. I saw no victory in the lives of people who shrugged off their compulsions onto Daddy’s shoulders because “He was still in control”. That’s unacceptable because He came to set the captives free and heal them beyond the point of survival. I was angry because they could not hope for their ultimate wholeness if they fundamentally believed God couldn’t offer it. Somehow admitting their weaknesses kept them focused on cycles of self-condemnation and guilt that I had heard preached from pulpits in church. It was not ok with me that “settling” for a life of pain management is all this world or the church can offer without deliverance. Meeting after meeting I witnessed people cry as they told a story about their days of addiction from 20 years ago as if they were re-living it today. The fact was they were! Somehow “white-knuckeling” freedom didn’t seem to be freedom at all. Even the actual Christians who had a relationship with Jesus still fell into a system being their key to success instead of the freedom they were supposed to know.
I left in anger and went back to my friend who recommended the program and spewed my disgust over a lack-luster system that kept people bound. How could anyone believe they were still a compulsive overeater if they hadn’t binged in 20 years? I couldn’t succumb to defeated thinking, I was either looking at life from a delivered point of view or I wasn’t. If my Daddy released me from the hold of a ruling demonic spirit that was debilitating my walk with Him, then He could surely release me from myself so I could claim my inheritance of wholeness. I fully planned on being healed to the point of choosing to eat anything I want in moderation. To say that I will maintain sanity by placing the law on myself for the rest of my life is not apprehending my right as one who is delivered to be completely healed. When Jesus delivered people they were then able to go out and “sin no more” because the lying spirits of accusation were gone. There was no longer an enemy from within so the enemies on the outside couldn’t hurt them as much. Most ran into cities or to their friends to tell of the great release Jesus had given them, even after He told them to remain quiet. I felt like one of those biblical people every time I resorted to man’s advice within the confines of 12 traditions; it didn’t even matter if they attached scripture to it because I had already experienced liberation and wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I couldn’t be quiet about the missing piece that everyone lacked faith for, so I recruited more people to take back with me to Georgia so they could experience deliverance for themselves. I laid down my attempts to work the 12 steps because it felt like a noose around my neck and 12 steps backward from where I was positioned spiritually. I did however; realize the need for me to seek out why I ate emotionally because those behaviors have become more ingrained over time. Now that there’s nothing in me for demons to attach themselves to, it is my responsibility to venture into taking my own thoughts captive and live the delivered life I was always intended to. I can now choose to develop positive thoughts and declarations that will catapult me into overcoming my past and compulsions where before I battled from within and strove for success.
My constant disappointment with myself kept me in striving mode for years and the demonization had me convinced that I would always be physically sick or mentally burdened because of compulsive eating; I had no faith for these mountains to move. I started 15 years ago with inner healing work that only had a slim chance if any, to bring me true healing. In many ways I was pushing against a brick wall because I studied ministries and applied them to my circumstances but never thought demonization was an issue, I believed I was literally the problem. The good thing about my accumulated knowledge failing me was that inner healing proved to be only a part of my restoration. It wasn’t cutting the mustard. Knowledge after all is just knowledge, it doesn’t guarantee change.
I had certifications and licenses coming out of my ears and I traveled far and wide for good counseling techniques, but I still knew I needed something more. Going away to Global Awakening’s summer school was eye opening as I discovered I needed to renounce vows and lay down my victim mentality from childhood. At this point I had become an expert at failing in my practices of emotional healing because I could look over every memory in my life and relate it to times of emotionally eating when I was supposed to have applied “learned principles” that would have conquered it. I would fall and have to get back up just to fall down in my shame again. The demons loved it because my “religious application” continued to throw accusation at my wounded and disappointed heart, leaving me defeated. Thank God I kept asking Him for discernment. I read so many books in hopes of defining my spiritual void that my eyes ached, but it eventually paid off when I realized my failed attempts at healing was really a demonization issue. A famous writer named James Joyce wrote, “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery”. I love that word, “portal” because it was prophesied over me in Global’s summer school that I would have new portals available to me. I had a vision after that prophecy that I would discern through spiritual sight and begin to do undercover Kingdom work by transporting into different dimensions and nobody would even know that I was there. This is in direct opposition of the acknowledgement I sought from others like so many of the ministries I knew. I looked in many directions for freedom from demonic oppression so that I could finally be “used” for Daddy’s work, but many said I was on a hopeless quest. I love that all of my mistakes had pointed me into the direction that I needed to be, and off to “Portal” Georgia I went with a group who believed the transformation I had could be theirs too.
After my own deliverance weekend in September of 2012 and then returning twice in this New Year, I experienced heightened spiritual warfare each time I returned home. My anger was sky-rocketing and all of my dreams to bring this teaching back to Maryland fell to dust.
My life made complete sense after my deliverance which is why I fought so hard to bring others into the same atmosphere of enlightenment, but my hope of it spreading throughout the church when we got back home was dashed. Somehow I thought that if I could lower them down on a mat through the roof and land them before Jesus, that they would pick up their mat and be able to walk closer to Jesus. I knew from dealing with my own self that inner healing work after deliverance isn’t easy, but my growth accelerated after Georgia, so I believed it would do the same for everyone else that I sent down there. Many embraced the experience, but some discounted its effects from being far reaching.
I was angry that some people backed out before we even left home, and others backed out emotionally. My heart broke when I saw the power of the will keep my friend from attaining her deliverance as she chose to hold onto life’s pain living out martyrdom and believing people don’t support her. I was viewed by her as having forced “healing” onto her when she wasn’t ready. I sincerely felt scared and hopeless for her as she chose to stay sick. I understood in that moment that my revelation had not become hers and she was not ready to “get better”. Thoughts like, “this is my fault”, flooded my mind as I failed to make her see what she needed. This was yet a deeper revelation for me in realizing that Daddy honors our choices and will not push Himself into areas we do not let Him. As far as my zealous longing for others to find freedom goes, I can’t make anyone do what they don’t want to do and I certainly can’t pray them into deliverance if they don’t want to be delivered. Deliverance is a choice that Daddy will honor every time and He honors the steps that lead us to that revelation.
In looking over my past and praying for my future, I became disheartened at my attempts to help others who are a part of a religious Christian system. It seemed that even those who believed they weren’t religious, were in fact resorting to religious programs once again. I have always felt like I was pushing against a mountain in every church I had been a part of, and that I could lead a horse to water but not make them drink. I wanted them to break out of what they had known about Daddy, experience truth and either impart what I had learned to them, or move on to churches where I could make an impact. I felt defeated because I took the responsibility for other people’s revelation. In looking at myself, I realized that I had fallen into the trap of “seeking ministry” to affirm my place in the Body of Christ. Sadly, I used my revelation of freedom through prophetic deliverance to become my latest attempt at having a voice in church where I often was unheard. Unfortunately and fortunately, scales were removed from my eyes when I got “delivered”, and I could no longer return to any system that lacked the full truth of salvation, deliverance and healing. The twelve step programs of the world and the “non-religious” charismatic churches were just too religious for me to deal with, each expecting results from teaching knowledge without dismantling the demonic strongholds hindering the people. Calling things “as they were” caused me to lay down hopes of affirmation from the same people I no longer agreed with. New found freedom was awesome and eye-opening which created division from a system I once partook in.
This only increased my anger but subsequently sent me back to praying the 5 wholeness steps that I learned while in Georgia; it anchored me to Daddy and the truths that I found in a ministry that was “sane” and hopeful. I gave up my need for recognition in the confines of a church because I was doing much better loving people I came into contact with during my everyday schedule. I was called to set the captives free and would freely share of what Daddy had done for me to those who wanted to hear. In focusing on my inner healing I released myself from having to be the person who could impact a congregation and prayed for the other people who visited Georgia to step in and be the ones that could be heard. My peace came when I realized that Daddy pulled off a set-up that brought 4 of my closest friends into their destiny. I was grateful that He had used me most in the lives of people who matter to me the most. In fact, I had begun to walk out in my “undercover” calling that was prophesied over me many times in the past few years just by sharing my testimony of deliverance and impacting the few who did listen. I sought surrender and peace the most, because my support system was small but teachable, a quality I have that they share. Support through numbers wasn’t what Daddy cared about because He is patient with everyone before they find their own revelation. I witnessed to everyone at church but only a dozen caught the same revelation and it caused me to be content with the impact that I did have. I had to seek my motive and walk away from the very thing I dislike about church, the building up of a ministry through fame and fortune, and yet, I had to recognize that part of me wanted that. Laying down my need to be the answer that everyone was looking for and handing over my religious agenda, was the best thing I could do for myself if I wanted to crucify remnants of the” jezebel spirit’s” behavior. Being without the ruling spirit of jezebel I was able to see just how fleeting a “position” at church could become, especially among personality types that seek miraculous demonstrations to prove they hear from Daddy, but cannot discern that demonization hinders truthfully hearing from Him at all. I could not allow my being upset with any system that had become comfortable with its own methods to embitter me against Daddy’s people. I know church in America is judged by its growing numbers and popularity, but what good is it if the members get hyped up one day a week just to return to pain, poverty and addiction 6 of the other days.
I found myself mourning, I am mourning. I have pushed through road block after road block for my recovery from abuse as a child and wounding’s that created an in-road to my demonization. I’ve gone through stages in my Christian walk that were oppressed with sickness, poverty, depression and accusation all because the church was unable to address demonization over me and for its people. I laid in bed last night and asked Daddy if my life has been more than just overcoming, because so much of it has felt like an up-hill battle; was I really accomplishing anything in my quest for sanity and hope? I truly believed I could educate others about the reasons why they were suffering, yet, I also believed I had to be the ONE who would get accredited with propelling “church people” into their prophecies because my part in it was so paramount. It turns out that Daddy was setting me up for yet another reality check; I am honored by Him alone. I may feel let down because my agenda of sweeping through church with deliverance hasn’t happened, but for those who have tasted of it, they will never be the same. In that I find contentment. Daddy honors my heart and my hope in His delivering power. I see the exhaustion in leaders all across the states who try to combat epidemics of hurting hearts with application of scripture and bodily manifestations that leave the believer in a cycle of striving. I was on the same road, seeking an angle of revelation that could be the key that unlocks freedom for all. I have indeed found it, but for myself. It has unlocked a very deep place of emptiness in my own heart that I sought to fulfill through ministry and holding a microphone in my hand. Wow, how futile the moments are when someone has the audience but cannot captivate them with profound truth of freedom. I’d rather be free and out of the limelight than noticed for power when underneath the façade I question my freedom at all. I’m good, and so glad I don’t have to convince anyone anymore of needing what I have. While lying in bed I thought, “I’m laying down my agenda of being the one responsible for change in others because it’s exhausting and not my responsibility.” Amazingly I fell asleep and woke up this morning well rested. My latest revelation is to continue to rest.