Lord knows if anyone needed a life makeover it was me. I use to say that, “I wouldn’t have wished my life on anybody, not even my biggest enemy.” Turned out I burned a lot of bridges throughout my life, both before and after finding Jesus. I guess that’s why I have such a passion for delivering God’s people out of bondage. The book, “Redeeming Love”, by Francine Rivers’s best describes my life. I advise you read it with caution, because the description of my lifestyle can be heavy. I found out about this book shortly after I was saved in 1998. I had just left the strip club and moved out of the house I was co-habitating in with my boyfriend. My Pastor at the time gave me a devotional written by an x-stripper who had a ministry helping other strippers leave the industry. I read the book in one sitting which took me a few hours. I felt compelled to write the author. Daddy actually told me to do it because I received “words of knowledge” as soon as I received Jesus. I heard, “Write the author,” in my spirit and I knew it was not something I told myself. I shared my struggle with coming out of the sex industry and not knowing my place in the church or my value in God’s sight. She wrote me back, to my surprise, and invited me to Dallas for a convention fighting porn. I wasn’t an activist of any type but I knew the emotional damage that comes with exploited sex. I went to my mentor at the time for advice and she agreed that one last contact with an old “client” to seek his frequent flyer miles would be ok since I had no money. He agreed with no strings attached and I flew into Texas.
The convention was being held at an Omni Hotel and I was meeting Lisanne, the author, there. We introduced ourselves and she told me to go check in. I tried not to reveal the sinking feeling I was having in the pit of my stomach because I came under a different impression. I thought we were going to pal up for the next few days and that I would stay at her place. I had $150.00 with me but shuffled over to the front desk anyway. I asked about availability first and the clerk told me there was none. Then she checked again and saw that a handicapped room, which is much bigger, just opened up for $150.00 plus tax per night. I was extremely distraught. She kept her eyes on the computer the whole time as I stood paralyzed, unable to make a decision. She looked at me and very matter of factly said, “I’ll give it to you.” It’s not in my nature to hide exuberance when I feel it, so I kept gasping and holding my chest because the excitement took my words from my mouth. I’m basically walking on clouds and when I thanked her a million times over she hardly joined in with my enthusiasm. She just smiled and handed me my room key and said, “Your welcome.”
Freaked out but grinning ear to ear, I met up with our group which consisted of 22 ministries within the 507 represented. I was ushered into a conference room with our small group and everyone shared about their redemption from sexual lifestyles and involvement. I was so embarrassed for being there that I felt my face turn blood red. I didn’t understand why I was there, and truth be known, I didn’t feel I was strong enough to go back into a strip club without wanting a job there. That’s when they broke out a signed copy of “Redeeming Love.” They knew Daddy set up this divine appointment so each ministry leader signed my copy before I even got there. I was a puddle of tears. How could I feel so much love when I felt undeserving?
The second day of the conference I was in the lobby looking at booths where ministries set up their literature. I saw a ranch in Kentucky where men live for a year to find freedom from porn and sex addictions. I had a revelation that one day I would have such a ranch, only, it would be to help women and children find their identity in Christ. With that decision in my spirit, I felt a tap on my shoulder. The woman who was in charge of shutting down the entire red-light district in Dallas, and who was behind the birthing of the convention, stood before me. She said, “You are different from anyone representing a ministry here. You are anointed. Make sure you come to my house tonight.” Full of energy I listened intently to all the speakers for the rest of the day. Then we departed for the Founders house.
We took buses to her house, which was a literal castle, with an iron gate inside a closed community. I walked in and she had full-sized portraits of her family framed over tapestry covered 24 feet tall cathedral ceilings. I felt like I was in a celebrity’s house. The Kitchen was the size of some restaurants I’ve been in, and the food choice surpassed anything I had ever seen. She found me and asked me to follow her to her “chambers.” Chambers is an understatement; the bedroom was like an entire condominium. She told me to hold out my hands and she started loading me up with books from authors like, “Watchman Nee,” and “A.W.Tozer.” She told me to go home and read the stack of books because I was being prepared for ministry. She warned me of coming persecution and told me to press on. I returned home on a Holy Spirit high that soon took a dive. I had no spiritual understanding back home other than my mentor who tried hard to discipline my behavior that frequently drove me back into old cycles. I would go to church and see women grabbing onto their husbands snickering behind my back. Sometimes I had to shut my eyes to focus on Jesus. It goes without saying that people were trying to cast demons out of me every which way, and yes, I was turned off to Christianity.
The Lord set me up for an experience outside the understanding of people at my church because my story relates best to those who have been to hell and back. People who have had an easy road, or feel religiously superior, did not want my freedom unless they took part in receiving credit for bringing me out of the pit. I have a way of understanding those who have been unwanted since birth, rejected by family, abused in every way, cursed, disowned, sick and tired. It is for that reason that Daddy has called me to set the captives free. I sought all kinds of programs, psychiatrists, hospitals, re-treat centers, doctors and SCRIPTURE, to help me find freedom from childhood pain and bad choices that I made due to trying to medicate it.
Motherly figures would come into my life and remind me of my sin, tell me how I was acting like the “old man” I was before Christ. Some gave up on me and when I see them to this day, they pity me. (I can see their spiritual judgments toward me now that I am delivered.) All of it; every rejection, act of judgment, dismissal, putting me in my place, and chastisement became an opportunity for Daddy to reveal Himself personally in my pain. Looking back over my life I saw that He was there, suffering as much as I was. The devil thought that if he assigned certain demons to my wounds in childhood, I would self-destruct by the time I was an adult. I can honestly say that I don’t know why I overcame such atrocities and others don’t, but I know it has something to do with my fervency for freedom. It was “not ok” that I kept reliving the cycles of abuse out in my adulthood and I would look at my past if I needed too, in order for my future to improve. The very meaning of my name means “Heavenly messenger” and it is referenced in Romans 10:15, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news of good things!” Somewhere, somehow I could not relate to Daddy if I thought He was the one putting me in harm’s way. He is either good all the time or He’s not. A good God sets us up to be overcomers if we trust He walks with us for the sake of understanding us. Knowing what I endured and why I made choices that I did because of it, gives Daddy the perfect set-up for redeeming all of it.
I could lie to myself and excuse my sin when I wanted to, but I was fully aware that I suffered when I did the things that I did not want to do. I wore shame like a cloak, far into my years of walking with Jesus. But I sought hard for my inner and physical healing and I found it. No one can take away my fight for liberty or my Savior. My deepest cry occurred this year and it landed me on the doorstep of a deliverance ministry in Portal Georgia. I have already shared about my chief and ruling spirit who was assigned to me for my self-destruction, a snare from the enemy. In my deliverance I felt nothing except the tears that rolled down my face. There was no screaming or fear; in fact I had a revelation that hit me so deep I was speechless for a while.
Then everything in my life made sense. I understood why women came to me exposing their deep dark secrets of molestation. The pieces fit perfectly together explaining why abuse victims often get repeatedly raped throughout life, have questionable relationships with men, become strippers or suffer with eating disorders and homosexuality. Most of my friends who I danced with were professed lesbians and that was over 14 years ago when the craze hadn’t erupted yet. What demonic oppression does is target the individual so that they make the same mistakes or they walk out the same theme throughout life. If they choose Jesus they have a chance to overcome for sure, as well as find deliverance from the assignment placed against them. Without Christ, many get out of lifestyles through mere determination and go on to write books, motivationally speak or become celebrities. Admittingly, I longed for all of those titles in hopes of breaking off my old reputation entirely.
Thankfully Jesus carries my reputation now. Since my most recent deliverance I was unaware of my “Good works” as being selfish because I strove for perfection and carving out an agenda even within the church. How silly it all seems now. I know Daddy tells me when there is a spirit opposing me now because I feel it and then immediately hand it over to Him to deal with. I was unable to walk as closely with Him as I do now and my striving has become pathetic in my own sight. It does not matter to me if everyone rejects the reality of demonization thwarting the course of a person’s life, because my life is proof of it. What is important is to praise Daddy for leading me to trusted people in Georgia, who looked at themselves and owned their baggage enough to get set free and release their knowledge to others. It seems all the knowledge I gained over the 14 years of studying scripture really hinges on Luke 4:18, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He anointed me to preach the Gospel to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed and to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord.” Daddy thankfully, used what the enemy intended for evil, to be my greatest source of victory.
In listening to my Pastor preach this past week I heard Daddy’s voice loud and clear. The message was for those of us who bring our gifts to the altar as sacrifice for what Daddy has done, yet we haven’t been obedient to the scriptures and sought forgiveness from those who have something against us. The revelation just hit me, “Oh, You’re talking to me! How can I yearn for the freedom of captives and ask to bring others into deliverance if I can’t even love my family?” The Lord reminded me of some of the youth I led before who had parents devoted to the church, yet neglected their children or worse yet, abused them. I made a mental note back then I would never be one of those people. I felt like a protector even back then. I felt the Lord remind me of my own declaration to be an advocate for anyone who is suffering. If I am called to be a spiritual mother to many, yet cannot love the very family He gave me, I do not love at all. As if He needed to take it one step deeper, He told me to love myself.
I was undone. I am undone.
I never thought I would be thankful for any of my struggles, but once you embrace all of the supernatural, the demonic having a legal right to afflict, then the miraculous freedom from it so you can go out and perform signs and wonders in fullness, dare I say, only then can you walk out in the fullness and knowledge of Christ’s love. With this new found freedom that Daddy orchestrated in perfect timing, I will never attribute something bad to being God’s will. There was such a spirit of control operating in my life that worked for me and against me at the same time. Without the acknowledgement of spiritual demonization and the miraculous, as Christians we will only be going after the gifts, and at best, questioning why Daddy allowed some to get healed but not others. I have the privilege to say I am an overcomer and really see it manifest in my life. I will walk out in that authority to deliver others. When Daddy shows me something that I want I go after it, if I get it, I’m going to impart it. FREELY I have been GIVEN the opportunity to overcome, freely I will GIVE that revelation AWAY.