The three days in-between Thanksgiving and church on Sunday were my kickoff to Christmas. I always put up my tree the day after Thanksgiving. Since I don’t have a home of my own this year, I asked my Father if I could decorate his. We spent most of Friday together putting up the Christmas tree and I removed decorations that looked outdated, with his permission of course. I did some shopping on Saturday and went to bed at a decent hour. I woke Sunday morning with a pull on my heart. I wanted to discuss some things with Daddy about my Mother. I decided to journal my thoughts and ask myself questions that they taught us while I was in Georgia for deliverance. It wasn’t working and my agitation level was rising. I’ve been in this place a lot lately, wanting to get the pain, and hurt up and out, get it all out of me. Getting delivered from demonization was easy, it’s working on the recalibration part and healing that is hard. Then I had a light bulb go on, and I remembered how I wrote my Dad a letter but burned it after my friend John said it was too harsh. So why not write the harshest letter I could scribble down for my mother, right? This thing was brutal, so brutal that I wouldn’t want it to get into the hands of anyone. I started with addressing memories I have had about being unwanted in the womb, and then took inventory of everything she didn’t do, and then everything she did wrong.
Eleven pages later I was crying and mourning. I didn’t know if spewing my anger out all over the paper made me feel better or not? I had tried for so long just to discount my feelings, that seeing them in words crushed me. I felt worse than I had before I started remembering the things that I was talking about, even if nothing was verbalized. I rested. I prayed. Then I got in my car and went to my Father’s house. I asked him if I said the words, “I forgive you dad, because I never verbalized them, and I’m sorry for not doing that. I hope you have forgiven me too.” He didn’t look at me, but he said, “Of course, honey, don’t worry about it.” I felt like the prodigal child. I had been gone from the home front over 5 years, yet he welcomed me back all the more happy that I was a part of his life. I opened my mouth again and said, “I’d like to get in touch with mom. Do you have her number?” He sat straight up and looked at me and said, “Um, are you sure you want to do that, I don’t want her hanging up on you or yelling because of how hurt she is.” My knee jerk response was very telling of where my heart was. “What in the hell does she have to be hurt about, she disowned me after years of my parenting her because she was incapable of doing anything! I got up crying once again and went to the bathroom to have it out with God.
I went through my list of all the times I had to take care of her and I was counting them on my fingers with emphasis to my tone so that Daddy heard me. I was right back where I was just an hour before. “I’m not ready Lord, I thought I was, but I don’t feel like forgiving her,” is all I could muster up. I was exhausted. My 1.5hour drive to church seemed like 10 minutes because I couldn’t wait to get some prayer. My eyes were bulging out of my head by the time I walked in and I was so emotionally drained that I just sat, distracted, through worship. I put my hands in my face and just cried. I felt so rejected. There was no other word that described my reality more fitting than, rejection. I felt a loving embrace and just mourned the loss of my childhood, the loss of what I should have had, and the lack of parenting that I received. When I opened my tear filled eyes, Nikki said, “Daddy knows why, He says it’s ok because He knows, Just tell Him. You can’t scare him away.” I confessed my hatred and self-preservation and then repented. I was calm after that and took a seat behind Nikki in the second row. I never sit that close, but I wanted to be near her and John, where I feel God’s love the most. I heard the call for the offering and the Lord reminded me of a time in my life when I started walking in accelerated blessing. So I raised my hand to share and after a minute, the Pastor called me up. I said, “I want to share a quick testimony.” I began, “Some time ago I met this pretty little thing who waltzed into prayer group with her man lovin up on her, and because they looked like a perfect couple I became jealous. I couldn’t stand the fact that her dreams were coming true and my hadn’t. They were getting married and leaving the country for ministry in the exact area I had hoped for when I got married. Boy, I was ticked. With all this envy in my heart, I sat down before them and prayed for their future and even shared the “word” that the Lord had given me. I only did it to be obedient because my heart was definitely defiant. Two weeks later I went to church and the guest Pastors were sharing about their ministry overseas. Well, in walks this couple and the people sitting around share that they have the same call as the overseas ministry Pastors. I couldn’t even look in their direction because all I felt was overlooked and passed over, rejected. Lies of couse, but I was focusing on them.
This young couple gets in the middle of a group and there I was praying along with everyone else for their future dreams to come true. I went back to my seat asking the Lord why I didn’t see all of my dreams come true? Then it was time to give an offering to the visiting Pastors. The Lord told me to give a large amount. I couldn’t have written it faster because I believed in everything this ministry was doing. They collected the money and then the guest Pastors called up the beautiful couple and gave all of the money to them! I was outraged. Daddy totally set me up to give to His kids. They were doing the same exact thing as the ministry, but I didn’t want them to have it. I actually schemed ways of grabbing my offering back from the basket. I was humbled within minutes as the couple came up to me and personally thanked me for giving them the “word” a few weeks prior. He said that she hasn’t stopped talking about me since then. They walked away and I repented in embarrassment. Within a week the money was given back to me through an increase with work. Daddy set me up to give a blessing, become a blessing, and receive a blessing despite my view of lack. Not only did I see my life in comparison to theirs as lacking, but I lacked the heavenly blessing Daddy always wants us to have, to trust for more, of everything. I have been offering my will and finances to Him ever since and He has always supplied strength to do what He says and more where that came from.” I was laughing by the time I finished sharing. I sat down to rest.
We had Charles Stock from Lifecenter speaking that day and I honestly didn’t hear a word. I just sat in the Lord’s presence and closed my eyes. I opened them when it was time to stand. I looked over at my Pastor and he motioned for me to come up to the front. I pointed to myself to make sure he was addressing me. I walked slowly, almost apprehensively, because I was afraid someone of more importance would step into the position destined for me. I felt like a child, cautious but excited. My pastor put his arm around me in a Fatherly fashion and called for his wife over who openly received me. I don’t think they realize what an impact that made into my life. I tangibly felt “acceptance.” At such acceleration, I moved from non-commitment three weeks ago, into honoring them two weeks ago, laying down my agenda just one week ago, into their embrace the following week. Areas of my broken heart were mended with their extension of love toward me.
Charles asked for us to come forward, and I shut my eyes once again to anticipate a blessing. I had the thought, “he probably won’t pray for me but that’s ok”, when he began to speak. He said, “God tricked you into giving generously for your breakthrough in finances but He is calling you forth into even greater things, greater healing than you have seen, all the gifts being released and poured out. You have an incredible mantle of wisdom and council. I bless the insight that God has given you.” It wasn’t a short prayer and the whole time I was experiencing waves of sensation over my body. I wish I could give a better description of what the Holy Spirit was doing but it is indescribable, too amazing for words. I tuned out all the praying around me and just thanked Daddy for His confirmation. When I turned around my friend John laughed and said, “You were feeling so rejected when you came in but the Lord gave you acceptance.” I was like, “how in the heck do you know that?” And he just laughed in his own funny way and said, “Because He told me.” Have I mentioned that I love the people at my church? I am finally surrounded by people who love me for who I am with no expectations and it frees me to love and putdown striving. There is no question that Daddy has been up to something good the whole time!